our first week as parents

 welcome to the world timothy john jung!

on january 18, 2013 at 4:33 am our lives changed forever with the arrival of this little guy. 7 days later we are all still alive, and while tired, we are more in love with TJ than we ever thought possible and loving every minute of this awesome responsibility of being parents. these are a few of the major highlights of our first week as a family of 3.

i had an emotional appointment thursday morning when the doctor told me that at 4 days past my due date, he could come any time but we should plan a day for the next week to do an induction. then at 10 pm that night, i started contractions. by 11 pm they were 5 min apart, i called the dr. at 1 am, and since i was hoping to have a natural birth she told me to stay home a little longer and then come in. we got to the hospital at 2:30 am when my contractions were 2.5 minutes apart, but as soon as they got me hooked up to the fetal monitor the nurse said his heart rate was dropping really low and they needed to hook me up to oxygen. a minute later the midwife got there. my contractions were right on top of each other but i was not dialated enough, so she said she was paging my ob to tell her we needed to do an emergency c-section since tj's heart rate was still dropping and not coming back up. jarred called my mom who was there in 5 minutes, and after a whirlwind of drawing blood to test my platelets, having me sign a million forms during contractions, jarred putting on scrubs, giving me a bunch of different shots, finally getting an iv stuck in me on the 4th try, and the surgical team all arriving, i was in the operating room all strapped down with jarred standing next to me. if you had asked me a week before about having a c-section i would have said it would be the worst thing i could imagine going into childbirth, but none of the desire to have a natural birth even crossed my mind when tj's health was in danger. looking back i was really thankful for reading a book that adamantly talks about any birth that results in a healthy mom and baby being a good birth and my friend laura emailing me a week before and telling me the stories of her 5 kids' births and how different they each were and that i should focus on just enjoying whatever my labor and delivery ended up looking like. and i did, because at 4:33 am my excellent doctor pulled out the most perfect little boy ever.
 

jarred immediately exclaimed "he looks like me!" and after wiping him off they laid him on me for just a minute before he rushed off to the nursery and i was taken to recovery. thankfully jarred and my mom got to go with him into the nursery where they weighed him at a whopping 6 lbs .5 oz and measured him at 20 inches. they soon brought him to me once they i was stable in the operating recovery room. soon all 3 of us were moved to my recovery room where we would spend the next 3 days, and the rest of friday was pretty low key with just the 3 of us getting to hang out together as jarred and i oohed and aahed over our son.

 looking back, we couldn't be more thankful for the peaceful day on friday, because friday evening started 3 days of medical uncertainty and chaos when they found tj breathing really rapidly. over the next 2 days he spent a lot of hours hooked up to machines in the nursery measuring his breaths per minute that were shooting up to over double what they should have been, having blood test after blood test run to try to figure out if it was connected to an infection or a bigger problem. test after test came back clear and normal. thankfully we still were able to spend a lot of time with him and tj got lots of visitors, including jarred's family who came up from the carolinas. and thankfully we have a great pediatrician who came to seem him everyday and was in constant contact with the nurses. and thankfully he was nursing great and everything else seemed to be fine.

jarred's mom jane

monday morning i had been cleared to go home but all morning we were waiting to hear the latest on tj's breathing from the pediatrician and if he could come home. when the dr. checked him out he felt fine about his breathing but said that sunday night a nurse thought she had just noticed a heart murmur and he had just confirmed that he indeed did have a heart murmur and he wanted us to get it checked out by a pediatric cardiologist immediately. since it was mlk day the cardiology ward at children's hospital of the king's daughters was closed. while we were talking chkd called our pediatrician to say there was 1 pediatric cardiologist at the hospital and he would wait for us if we could go right then. thus commenced what had to have been the fastest discharge of a mom and baby from a hospital in history. at the cardiologist's they did an echocardiogram and ultrasound to look at his heart because many heart murmurs found in babies are the result of a vsd, which is a small hole in the heart. seeing your 3 day old with tons of cords stuck all over his chest has to be the hardest thing in the world. jarred had to hold him on the table for the ultrasound because that was the point when i lost it. long story short, we found out immediately that tj does have a hole in his heart the size of 1 millimeter, but it is in a good place that won't ever cause any physical problems other than the heart murmur, and it will most likely close on its own over the next 6 months. the doctors weren't concerned at all and said it was such a minor defect she would hope it for her own child if there was going to be anything wrong at all. we headed home after that, but the entire going home day was much more emotional than i had expected.

since monday, pretty much everything has been smooth sailing. other than tj deciding that the hours he wanted to be awake each day for the first 2 days home were between the hours of 1 and 5 am and him peeing through about 5 outfits a day, the last few days have been much easier than expected. i love being a mom more than i could ever have imagined. there are a million moments a day that we just look at him, talk about how cute he is, stand in awe of the amazing miracle of God creating him, and wish that time would stand still and he would never get any bigger than he is right now. and while there is still a lack of sleep and the stressful things of parenting ahead of us, i hope i manage to keep a constant attitude of learning and growing in this awesome responsibility. because 2 things i have learned this week are that a lot of how things are going seem to depend not on circumstances, but on my attitude, and that things go well when jarred and i are focused on being on the same team and for each other, no matter whether tj is peeing straight up and soaking both of us and everything around as we change his diaper, or crying unless he is being held at 2:30 in the morning.

one of the other highlights of this week has been my sister kathryn and her 3 kids, including her 10 week old twins below, coming to visit. it has been a huge blessing to be able to have a great mom here to answer a million questions and to have her help do the traumatic things of cutting finger nails and giving first baths.

kathryn giving tj his first bath

tj with his 10 week old cousins jack and alex

today a week after his birth we headed back to the pediatrician for his 2nd check up since we left the hospital. he is doing great and after losing a lot of weight in the first 2 days in the hospital and getting down to 5 lbs 4 oz, he has been eating like a champ and has gained back all his weight and is now ringing in at 6 lbs 4 oz.. in a personal celebration for tj surviving to be 7 days old it snowed in norfolk tonight! life now is certainly different and we wouldn't trade getting to be parents to this perfect little guy for anything in the world. off to sleep, at least for an hour or so...

Pregnancy From a Husband's Perspective Part 5- Pregnancy Workout Videos

My wife and I have a long history with workout videos because we both like to stay relatively fit and there are a lack of good gyms in the area.  P90X, Insanity, Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred, we've hit them all, and Shelley has always been able to hang with me on all of them. I decided when Shelley was pregnant that I could stand to lose a few pounds, and also that I didn't want to gain the pounds that many of my friends gained during their wives' pregnancies, so I cranked up P90X again.  Instead of Shelley joining me this time, she was content to look on and smile with that satisfaction of "sucks to be you."

However, if there is one thing I learned about pregnancy, any "sucks to be you" feeling a pregnant woman may have lasts for less than a minute when she either throws up, pees her pants, or passes gas, all of which happen every 3-4 seconds or so.  Unfortunately for Shelley, she has no excuse to not be working out, because for every workout video, there is a pregnancy workout video.  So this summer, Shelley loaded up on her sister's pregnancy workout videos.  She brought several back and uses them pretty frequently.  I typically sit within ear shot when she is working out, and needless to say, these videos have been a delight for several reasons:

1.  Shiva Rea's Prenatal Yoga... it's a classic.  First off, Shiva Rea is a yoga master... a blond haired, white skinned yoga master.  There is a .00001% chance that this woman was born with the given name Shiva.  Shiva is the kind of name you choose after Emily had too many all night bingers and discovered that yoga has the same "I'm doing something kind of rebellious feeling" without having to hide the pot from the kids.  At least that is my theory on how this yogi ended up with the name Shiva.  My wife tells me I often make snap judgments about people... so here goes one.  Shiva is way too into yoga.  But her prenatal yoga video has been a charm to listen in on.  First off, Shiva is always telling these women how and when to breathe.  And when she gives the cue to exhale, she says it with a very soft "x."  Makes me laugh every time.  So I will hear something like "And inhale your knees up to your chest, all the while pulling the soul of your baby close to your heart... annnnnnnd ess haaaaaaale."  How can I not laugh at that?  My wife also occasionally chuckles, though I think she is used to it by now. 

Shiva's video also features 3 women doing yoga, each in a different trimester, all wearing a different colored spandex body suit.  This to me is just ridiculous.  Nobody does normal yoga in a spandex body suit.  Nobody does anything in a spandex bodysuit unless its halloween or the kids are in bed early, so why make pregnant women of all people wear one on a video?  And the poor woman in her 3rd trimester... she must have been filming this video on her way to the hospital, because she is about to pop.  This is only made more obvious by the fact that her name is Poppy... no freaking lie.  This becomes very apparent because unlike the other two women in their first or second trimester, Poppy is just as likely to pull off any yoga move as a house cat is to being likeable.  Poppy basically sits in a chair and shifts her weight a little bit.  That's the extent of Poppy's yoga.  But they call this "modified."  So with every single move, Poppy's name is mentioned as the model you too can go to when you are in your third trimester.  You always hear Poppy's name.  I don't know what the other two women's names are, but Poppy is forever getting called out, and every time, there she is doing a modified cobra... if a cobra had just eaten a freaking reindeer and was trying to stretch itself out.

2. I have never heard the term "kegel muscles" before but good gracious that is all these workout videos talk about.  Kegel this and kegel that.  One night my wife was standing by our bed and swinging her hips back and forth like a hammock.  I asked her what she was doing.  She said "stretching my lower back and doing my kegels."  Apparently working out your kegels helps in labor and delivery.  Who knew these things even existed.  I am just picturing myself in a gym holding 20 pounders swinging my hips back and forth.  The guy beside me looks over and I say "workin the kegels."  I'm sure that would win me points with the dudes in the locker room.  

3. Unlike P90X, it is totally acceptable to snack in the middle of a pregnancy workout video.  Or at least it is in our house.  I am on my computer and in the background I hear Shiva giving a nice "ess haaaaaale" and its interrupted by a "CRUNCH."  I look over to see my wife still holding her ballet squat position, arms stretched out, pretzel stick in her hand like a cigar, bite taken out of the top.  At that point it became apparent to me that the purpose of pregnancy workout videos aren't necessarily to stay in any kind of shape.  Can you imagine if I could pound a steak and cheese in the middle of P90X?  That sounds awesome!  But alas, I am stuck drinking water and sweating it out while Shelley brings her yoga mat, yoga block, chair, and bag of pepperidge farm goldfish to her workouts.

Shiva's preggy yoga jam isn't the only workout video in the mix, just my favorite.  There are other videos that Shelley does, and they are helping to keep her in shape. I hope that all of this makes labor and delivery easier for my poor wife.  At least I know that I can encourage her along the way by saying things like "get the kegels into it sweetheart!"

we're having a boy!

so the process of us finding out the gender of our baby has been WAY more of a process than i ever thought possible. well before we were pregnant i told jarred that i think it would be awesome to not find out and be surprised. he disagreed, but then said that he didn't think it was worth arguing about because there was no way that i could ever go through with not finding out. and he was right. once we were pregnant i definitely couldn't not find out any information that i had the option to.

anyways, we left america in august at 19 weeks and were hoping that at my appointment 2 days early they would do an ultrasound and find out. no luck. so at 20 weeks at the international clinic our american doctor did one, but since it is just a clinic they don't have a lot of high-tech equipment. he told us that he literally found his old ultrasound machine sitting in a closet and asked the hospital if he could have it. the thing is terrible. he said that he guessed about 80% that our little nugget is a boy, but couldn't see clearly enough to tell. so he sent us to a local hospital. but, it is illegal here to tell a couple the sex of their baby due to the high rate of gender-selection abortions against little girls. their ultrasound was good and they said they would maybe agree with our doctor but they couldn't tell. they were being fishy and weird, so we think they just didn't want to tell us. we told our parents and families, but with 80% you can't really be sure. and i don't like not being sure!

some good friends of ours who have had 3 babies while living here told us to go to a private hospital in our city because they would tell us, so at 24 weeks we did. (aside: this hospital is really close to where we lived our first 2 years here. we both went a couple times for different things- like a sore throat and they told me it was from eating french fries, which i hadn't. when we walked in this morning, jarred said "remember when we thought this place was good and could actually save lives. yeah.") anyways, we checked in and told them we wanted an ultrasound (if at this point we are sounding excessive, know that here an ultrasound is free at the clinic, costs $10 at the local hospital, and $30 at the private hospital). we paid and then went up to the ultrasound section, where after finding out i was 24 weeks they said they could only do it on saturday mornings. and our saturday mornings were booked for the next few weeks. 

so then comes 28 weeks. yay for the 3rd trimester. not exciting about 28 weeks is the gestational diabetes test. ugh. i had only heard terrible things. and the american doctor said we had to go to the private hospital to get it done. so this morning we trekked an hour into the city at 7 am, jumped through a million hoops, drank 75 grams of pure sugar, and had my blood drawn twice. AND they did an ultrasound! they have a flat screen tv where we both got to see 10 fingers and 10 toes, developing organs, and a big yawn. i fully expected a breakfast of pure sugar to send the little one into flips and flops, but our baby was either really tired or a little lazy because this morning he just wanted to sleep. despite his uncooperative attitude in keeping his legs tightly scrunched, they said that IT'S A BOY!! yay, i think we know as much as we will ever know until he makes his appearance in january!

we are really thankful and though it has taken a full 2 months to actually find out, i am personally proud of myself for the patience i displayed. we are so thankful and are looking forward to meeting him in 3 months :)

ps- baby bump pictures coming soon!

A Husband's Perspective on Pregnancy Part 4- The Birth Plan

Forewarning: My wife recommended that I not breach the following topic lest my ignorance show through.  In her words "I would go easy on the birth plan since you haven't done much research on 'why.'"  I am ignoring her warning and proceeding anyway.



The first time I heard about a "birth plan," what immediately popped into my head was which car we would take to the hospital once the little dude was ready to roll on out.  I have never once thought anything beyond this, and the first time I thought about this was when it became apparent to me that a birth plan was needed.  I always thought that labor and delivery just kind of happened with no planning needed except for making sure you aren't traveling to some place like Kosovo or Angola any time close to when you are about to deliver.  Apparently this was not enough forethought into the birthing process.  To be honest, I don't care to forethink anymore into the birthing process.  One time I came in the room at a terrible time during one of the TLC channel's baby stories when a woman was giving birth in a bathtub and I almost lost whatever I had eaten that day.  Why do we have the technology to blur out screens if we don't use it in what I would say is the absolute most appropriate situation for censoring?  I don't care what anybody says, that is not beautiful or moving.  Maybe it will be beautiful when it is my own child, but much like your own fart isn't funny to anyone else but you, I have concluded that the birth of a child couldn't be beautiful to anyone else but its own parents.  So birthing plan rule #1- I plan on murdering anyone who tries to bring a camera into the delivery room.  All of that to say, the less forethinking I can do about my wife giving birth, the better.  

So, what goes into a birthing plan?  More than I ever imagined.  Here are a few things that I have learned about:

1. Hospital, birthing center, or home- This was figured out early for us.  I had always dreamed of my first child being born at UNC Hospital in my favorite place in the world, Chapel Hill, North Carolina.  However, some doctors will not agree to deliver a baby without seeing the woman throughout her pregnancy, or at least a good part of her pregnancy, and due to our location throughout a vast majority of the pregnancy, that wasn't possible in Chapel Hill.  My wife had the right mind to check at her last checkup to make sure her doctor in Norfolk would see her, which she agreed to.  Therefore, we have decided to go with the hospital in Norfolk.  My wife had hopes of giving birth in the birthing center attached to the hospital.  The first time I heard of the idea of a birthing center, I asked my wife "what the heck is a labor and delivery ward in a hospital if not a birthing center?"  Offensive question #1.  Guys, I had no idea that you could ask so many offensive questions.  My wife explained that a birthing center is a place where you give birth with no doctor present.  Offensive questions #2-6 soon followed.  My wife really wanted the doctor-less option, but unfortunately you cannot give birth at the doctor-less birthing center unless the midwives see you at a certain point in the pregnancy which was actually earlier than we were going to be in America, so that option was ruled out.  Confusingly enough, while in America this past summer, my wife was seen by a midwife in the doctor's office, who referred to  herself as a doctor several times, thus confusing me more in the difference in a hospital and birthing center.  Apparently another new popular option is the home-birth, where you give birth at home in your jacuzzi tub.  That is an interesting money-saving option, but the only 2 home births I have ever witnessed were the one previously spoken of on TLC, and the scene from "Robin Hood Prince of Thieves" where Little John's wife is sweating profusely and biting down on a stick in a merry hut while cranking out the little guy onto a dirt floor.  Needless to say, if I have anything to do with it, the home birth will not be a part of our birthing plan.  This leaves the hospital with a doctor option (or the "traditional birthing center" as I'll call it).    

2. Natural or Not:  I had no idea what was meant by the term "natural childbirth" until we talked about it.  Apparently this is where I have little understanding.  This is a decision about how much pain you will endure during the pregnancy.  After talking about this and having it explained, I am still baffled that this could ever be a decision.  A strong and safe pain killer is offered, ready for the taking, and you can refuse it, thus having the child more naturally.  I tried to think of another situation in modern medicine where this is an accepted practice, and I couldn't.  I always thought it would be cool if I tore my ACL to take a local to the knee and watch the surgery unfold instead of being knocked out, but even then, I still would want my knee to be numb.  I don't understand the desire to birth a child without the painkiller.  My wife, being the beast that she is, wants to give it a go.  When I asked why, she answered "it is more natural, how it is supposed to be, like how it was done years ago." (Cue up the scene from Robin Hood again) I had to ask myself some nerdy questions, like didn't they have like 60% infant mortality rates years ago?  Didn't they deliver babies in mud huts?  Didn't they deliver babies right after slaughtering a pig with no hand wash inbetween?  Isn't this the whole purpose of medical achievement?  Aren't you offending Louis Pasteur? (Offensive questions #10-14) What is more than that, when I asked her if her decision to not have pain killers meant that she had lost the right to whine about the pain during labor (offensive question #17) it turns out that she maintains every right to whine.  Why? (Offensive question #18)  Because "I did this to her."  When I suggested that meant we could stop at 1 kid if I'm the one taking the blame (Offensive question #23), well that didn't go over well either.  The other night, I decided that in an effort to (cynically) support, I would refuse to bring her Tums during her nightly pregnancy-driven heartburn.  I figure if you're going to go through pregnancy with no pain killer, why not start light with a little stomach acid to get fired up?  Offensive question #34.   
 
3. Who will be in the delivery room- Apparently you get to choose who is in the delivery room during the birth, or as I like to call it- "How many family members we can offend before the baby is even born?"  I don't want to breach this subject, but all births need plans... I suppose.  I don't as much mind other people in the delivery room as much as cameras in the delivery room.  I am scared that someone is going to bring a camera into the delivery room thus bringing a rage from my delivering wife unlike any in history.  Therefore, I think it will just be the two of us.  My Dad told me that when I was born he was running all over the delivery room trying to grab me and the doctor was yelling at him about infecting me.  As cool as that sounds, I just don't envision myself wanting to touch the little guy until he's been cleaned up a little bit.  Some of these dads who get in the quarterback position ready to take the kid as he comes out impress me.  That is not me.  To be honest, I wish for the days when dad's weren't allowed in the waiting room because I don't know what the heck purpose I'm going to serve in there except to get in the way and be grossed out.  I am going to be the "support my wife by holding her hand and hope that the gown is covering everything else that is going on down there" type.  First off, I am already terrified of holding newborns for fear that their head will just pop off or something like that while they are in my arms.  It may be a weird fear, but every time someone has ever handed me a newborn, I have been thinking to myself "please start crying so they take you back, please start crying so they take you back."  Literally, every time I have passed an infant to someone else, I have breathed a huge sigh of relief that it was still alive when I was done holding it.  Kind of like "whew... got through that one.  Maybe there won't be another chance for a few years."  The problem is that all of those newborns have been dry and clothed.  So the idea of holding my own kid, whose head I fear popping off more than any other kid's, while he's still slicked down from the pipe sled of terror, is horrifying.  I can literally envision no other situation than him sliding right out of my hands onto the floor.  I would actually be better in the waiting room while a family member who has done this before could be in the room. 

4. To keep the placenta/umbilical cord or not- Biology.  Frankenstein.  Glass jars.  Formaldehyde.  Einstein's brain.  Enough said.  Will someone please lock the person who ever suggested this in a cell?

So there is our birthing plan.  Natural (with the "epidural nod" ready to go), in a traditional birthing center, lucky me in the room, all placentii and umbilical cords in biohazard waste cans.

Still don't know which car we're taking to the hospital.  

Pregnancy from a Husband's Perspective Part 3- Registering

Having studied marketing at a great business school in college, I feel at times as if I am immune to the marketing schemes of companies to try to get you to buy their products.  I take a bit of pride in this.  My wife would argue that this is not true across the board, hence the heart palpitations that occur each time I read an iphone 5 review.  I confess I like gizmos and such, but I also was trained in business school how to market, so I can tell when I'm being marketed, even if I go for it.  For example, I recognize that the iphone 5 is not a greater product from the iphone 4S and that Apple has merely produced it as a timing ploy and even if everyone recognizes that it isn't that much of a better phone, people will stand in line to get it.  Apple is now banking on not having to produce as revolutionary of a cell phone for people to still be willing to buy it, even though the upgrade isn't all that great.  See what they did there?  Yet the lines will be out the door at Apple stores on the day that baby is released, and people are counting down the days until their Verizon plan allows for an upgrade so they can throw that old, trashy iphone 4s out the door.  All that to say that I knew marketers were brilliant, but I didn't know the extent of their brilliance until the first time I walked in a Babies R Us. 

Now, marketers are brilliant at getting to you buy stuff, and one of the most brilliant ways they do this is by making it to where you don't have to buy it, but you get other people to buy things for you... this is better known as the registry.  It is amazing.  Registries have so changed the celebrations of major events in our lives that they are a natural part of the process.  We were so excited to register for our wedding, it was like experiencing something that so many couples before us had experienced, like so much of the process of wedding planning.  And all of the nice things that people gave us allowed us to set up an amazing kitchen.  But even more excited than us was Bed Bath and Beyond, who knows that every time we zapped something, it was as good as bought from their store.  It really is a genius idea- have people select things from your store that make it as easy as possible to buy something that you are guaranteed to know the couple will want because they chose it.  Everyone wins.  I thought our wedding registry was marketing genius, until the I went into Babies R' Us this summer with my wife to look at things for a baby registry for her.  Why are baby products so genius?  Here are a few reasons:

1. They take the man out of the picture- When we registered for our wedding, I was all about looking at cool kitchen knives and stainless steel, but with baby products, the impregnator could care less.  When we were in Babies R' Us, my wife was trying to explain something to me about BPA in baby bottles but I was too busy laughing hysterically and taking pictures with my iphone camera(3G... just waiting for the 5 to come out...despite my knowledge of all these marketing ideas, i'm really not immune) of some product called My Brest Friend (no worries, the spelling didn't throw me off).  There is nothing better for a company than to reduce the purchasing power to as few people as possible, and there is not a single baby product marketed to a male for that reason, because they don't want the men involved in the decision making.  It really isn't that difficult in the end, because as I have mentioned before, men have a hard time imagining their child as a baby.  We tend to look ahead to the time that the kid is up and walking, and most baby registries include nothing for that stage in a child's life.  Therefore, baby stuff is too uninteresting to us for us to make a snap decision based on sheer desire, so we may try to talk our wives out of registering for that extra add on.  We who love driving fast cars really fast, and especially those of us who grew up in a generation where we rode in the front seat of a station wagon as soon as we could fit in the seat belt, find the idea of a car seat ridiculous, so paying more money for one that is advertised as safer is not worth it, and car seat manufacturers don't want us influencing our wives for that very reason.  Which brings me to my next brilliant point about baby products:

2. FEAR!!!- Baby product marketers know one thing: soon to be first time moms deal a lot with anxiety and fear over the general well-being of that ball of joy that is making their body change in more ways than they ever imagined.  They have a short time (9 months) of any woman's life to take advantage of this fear because most women realize by their second kid that the kid is going to survive without all that stuff, and they know what to expect in pregnancy and general child rearing in the early months when the little guy is too wobbly to hold his own disproportionately large head up, so they aren't willing to buy as many products.  Women by nature worry more about their first baby.  This is largely because they don't know what they are getting into.  There is so much unknown, so many questions, and they get an hour a month with their doctors to alleviate these fears, leaving the other 743 hours of the month to wonder (often aloud to their husbands).  You want to know what Target likes to see?  A first time Mom, scared to death, hand on the womb, walking through the aisles trying to figure out if choosing that less expensive bottle scrub brush might expose her child to more life-endangering bacteria.  If it is a pregnant woman holding the hand of an already-birthed child, no need to bother.  That kid has been exposed to so much bacteria that she knows Mr. Clean himself couldn't save her, and yet the child is there, fully healthy and active, driving her crazy as she swings through to grab some generic brand (Gasp) powder (GASP) non-organic (HOW CAN SHE DO THAT?!?!) laundry detergent.  No worries about the one in the womb... she knows it'll be fine.  Marketers go hard after the first time moms and play on the fear that accompanies the unknowns of pregnancy and child birth.  What is so awesome about registry lists to these companies is even if the mom asks herself the question "is this really necessary?" she honestly has no idea, and she will feel guilty even asking the question in the first place, or she will decide it is better to go with it just in case.  That is how they can convince us that a $700 car seat (if you haven't yet entered the stage of infants, it may be news to you, but yes $700 car seats exist, plentifully) is indeed safer than a $100 car seat (as if car seat regulations weren't so strict that the government would pass a car seat that would be dangerous), or that organic diaper rash cream is more gentle on your baby's skin than regular.  Honestly, we make fun of the parents and grandparents in East Asia who wrap their kids up in layers and layers of clothes and blankets to protect them, but we more or less do the same thing with our wallets at the store.  I appreciate my wife in this area.  She doesn't let the marketers fool her and is more than happy to register for the cheaper version, although she did throw in the fact that in the first year we will have to have 2 different car seats which makes me feel like I lost a battle to government regulators.  She also did not choose anything based on cute value on the recognition that grandparents love cute baby clothes and will take care of that for us (Just the other day my dad pulled up a batman costume for 6-9 months on the webcam) and therefore she is immune to those areas of marketing.  She also has experienced moms (namely her older sister) who give her plenty of information on what she does and doesn't need.  Shelley has largely beat the marketers, which makes me, her business degree-wielding husband, very proud.   

3. Imagery- There are some products out there that can just place a picture of the product on the box and it will sell (see the iphone).  However, with other products, there is something to sell beyond the product because the product couldn't sell itself, and they put this something else on the box.  I noticed that baby products do a lot of this.  My Brest Friend for example, rather than putting a picture of a moon shaped pillow on the cover, puts a picture of a mom safely breast feeding a baby on the cover because they are selling that image to get you to buy the pillow.  Gerber puts the Gerber baby on the cover because frankly there is nothing appetizing about a picture of green peas that I could make in my mouth if I squished them back and forth through my teeth enough times and spit them back out, so they put this perfect, healthy looking baby on the cover so you are buying it for the health value.  As an alternate, here are some images that I would love to see on baby products for my own cynical pleasure:

• On a box of newborn diapers, I think it would be awesome for once to put a picture of a newborn right out of the womb on the cover- all blue and wrinkly and gangly with its cone-shaped head and alien sized eye balls being covered by unusually thick eyelids screaming its brains out over the where-the-heck-did-my-placenta-go experience that is taking place. 
• On a car seat box, I think it would be cool to have a picture of a kid strapped in the car seat while a dad looks on furiously at the idea of a car seat covering his plush leather interior that he two years ago used his bonus to pay extra for in his luxury sedan.  Better yet, just have a picture of a man with the look on his face that comes with holding the keys to a minivan.
• My Brest Friend... lets be honest, I can't do anything to My Brest Friend to make it any better than it already is.  My Brest Friend cannot be changed for the better.  It says everything.  I seriously thought it was a joke the first time I saw it, like a gag gift, like an "FBI-Female Body Inspector" mug (that is outrageous!).  But it turns out it is a real product, it's main competitor being "The Boppy."  My wife talks about them as if they are as well-known as Kleenex "Well so and so has a Boppy and loves it, but so and so got the Double My Brest Friend (The "My Brest Friends" if you will) for her twins and she says it has saved her life.  Which one do you think we should go with?"  (I always want to answer that question in jest with "formula" but I know the dangers of joking with a pregnant woman)  Gents, if you don't know what either of these products are, then the marketers have succeeded.

Like most other things in pregnancy, there isn't much for a guy in the registry department.  We can just go along and nod in support.  I played as small a role in registering for this product as I possibly could.  The only thing I was forced to have a say in was the diaper bag, of which I looked at every one in the store and gave up my say.  My wife was worried that she would buy one that I wouldn't carry because it was too girly, as if there is ever any possible way to look cool carrying a baby.  We don't need to look cool doing it because we are beyond caring about cool.  Now we have a baby to care for, so cool doesn't matter, just get a bag that holds all the kid's stuff.  Shelley from time to time will try to tempt me with the "you want to see what I registered for online?" line sometimes, and I honestly don't.  That is the whole thing, the marketers have succeeded in getting the guy who knows what they are trying to do out of the picture.  Even I'm not immune.  I love iphones and I don't like baby products.  With all that said, there is one product that I do care about, not for the sake of my child, but for my own comedic pleasure, that should be on our registry:

Pregnancy from a husband's perspective part 2- Morning sickness

Apparently there is a bell curve for morning sickness.  Some women never have it, most have it only during their first trimester, and some have it all the way through.  Some women feel nauseaus, some women vomit every morning, some women vomit all day long.  And then there is my wife.  As soon as we received a positive pregnancy test, Shelley started throwing up.  And vomiting.  And vomiting.  And vomiting.  She vomited in her pajamas, in jeans and a t-shirt, in her Sunday best.  She vomited before breakfast, after lunch, and in the middle of cooking dinner, and then all night long.  Twice she had to have IVs to get rehydrated from throwing up so much.  So... needless to say, I now know morning sickness and honestly hope that it is never as bad again.  Here are some of my guy's perspectives on morning sickness:

1.  MORNING SICKNESS IS COUNTER-INTUITIVE.  My stomach is cast iron.  Living in a land where upper and lower digestive tract issues are the norm due to somewhat less than kosher sanitary food prep practices, I experience very few.  In fact, I've had food poisoning once in my five years here, and that was in India (and that wasn't the worst thing to happen to me in India).  If I am sick to my stomach, its usually a 24 hour bug.  But there is one thing I know when I get stomach sick:  the last thing I want to do is eat.  I will take saltines and gatorade.  That is about it.  But morning sickness is totally different.  Here is a typical conversation:

Shelley: Ugh I threw up again.  I need to eat something.  (Two sentences that are apparently only side by side during morning sickness)
Me:  I'll run out and get you some saltines.
Shelley: No, saltines here are too buttery.  They make me nauseous.
Me:  Okay, what do you want?
Shelley:  Can you get me __________?
Me:  What the he... You want what?!
Shelley:  I want ____________. 
Me (starting to feel a little queezy at this point at the idea of eating _______ right after vomiting):  Are you sure?
Shelley: Yes, and fast, I'm about to vomit again and I need to eat! 

Here are some common things in ____________.

1. A glass of milk.
2. Fried eggs.
3. A spoonful of peanut butter.

WHO EATS THIS STUFF RIGHT AFTER VOMITING?  You know those random gross verses in the Bible?  There is one where the author draws an analogy to a dog returning to its vomit.  I thought that was as gross as it got.  But I think he should have said something like "Like a woman with child returning to heavy food after vomit."  It was grosser to me.   

Here are my top 3 most beastly post-vomit meal experiences:

3. My friend Aaron O'Hare who joined me in food poisoning in India (quite literally joined me, we were sharing a bathroom.  Quite literally sharing a bathroom, it was that poisonous.  And that wasn't the worst thing that happened to us in India.)  followed up a horror-filled night of sickness by pounding a Mexican salsa chicken burger at McDonald's the time he ate.  BEAST!

2. My friend and former roommate Daniel Schneider who was frequently stomach sick while living in East Asia.  He would do this amazing thing where he disappeared into the bathroom for an entire night at a time sick to his stomach over something he ate, sleep it off the next morning, emerge from his room at 3pm and say something like "Let's get shao kao, I'm starving."  BEAST!

1. My wife, Shelley Klein Jung, who immediately after vomiting, in an effort to get protein, went for a cold glass of whole-fat milk, a fried egg, or a spoonful of peanut butter... several times a day for a month and a half.  BEAST BEAST BEAST!!! 

Seriously... all those skinny Japanese dudes and fat American dudes competing in these hot-dog, chili-fry, wing eating contests, I will put my pregnant wife up against all of them because I know she can down a hot dog, vomit, and look them in the eye while throwing back another one.  Gallon challenge?  Please.  The woman finishes strong.  Respect! 

I have never seen anything like this in my life.  It is seriously the most counter-intuitive thing I have ever heard of.  Eat right after vomiting in hopes that it stops the next round of vomiting.  We were told to eat protein early and frequently, and that helps curb the nausea.  Well this piece of advice didn't work, which brings me to my next thought on morning sickness:

2. NOTHING NATURAL CAN STOP MORNING SICKNESS.  Here are some suggestions we heard from doctors and moms:

1. Eat frequently- didn't work.
2. Eat protein- see above, didn't work.
3. Try ginger tea- didn't work.
4. Try ginger candy- didn't work. 
5. Try ginger ale- didn't work.
6. Drink milk and not water- didn't work.
7. Try mint tea- didn't work.
8. Try mint candy- didn't work.
9. Sit up and don't lie on your back- didn't work.
10. Avoid things that can cause motion sickness like riding in a car- stupid idea anyway.  didn't work.
11. Try child's anti-nausea medication (safe for pregnant women, given to us by a doctor)- didn't work.

Typically in this country, it is the natives who have terrible medical ideas.  "Your skin is peeling.  It must be because you showered on the 3rd of the month."  "It's winter and freezing outside, so open the windows."  "Be careful of the evil wind."  "Your throat is swollen and red because you ate too many hard foods like french fries."  "Don't mix cold and hot water.  It will give you AIDS."  However, in the instance of morning sickness, the only advice locals had was "it will get better in the second trimester."  For once, they were the ones who were right. Almost...

3.  NOTHING CAN STOP MORNING SICKNESS EXCEPT FOR ONE MIRACLE PILL-

The miracle working medicine is called Zophran, and a kind American doctor tracked it down for us.  It was originally developed for chemotherapy patients, but it is safe for pregnancy, and it works.  We ended up with the last 3 boxes of Zophran in all of our city.  His words "It is out of date, but I'd give it to my wife."  Good enough for us.  We had enough for 2 weeks, but we would not be back in America where we could get more for 3 weeks.  I thought that only drug addicts did this kind of thing, but we have now experienced the despair known as pharmacy shortage.  We had medical students in their residencies sneaking around the hospital searching for more of this med and begging doctors on our behalf.  That desperate.  But to no avail.  So, we rationed.  First a pill every time she was nauseous, then 1 a day, then a half a day, then a half a pill every time she was nauseous until... 3 hours left into our last flight to the US she took the last half pill.  It was like something out of a movie.  Her mom met us outside of customs in D.C. with a bag fresh from the pharmacy.  And like junkies, we breathed a huge sigh of relief.  I seriously wanted to forge a prescription for the future, just in case we are in a situation where we couldn't get it again the next time she is pregnant.

Final verdict: I'm calling bs on any advice about morning sickness other than "get a prescription for Zophran." 

This time the East Asians got it right.  Apart from medicine (which is non-existent in their country), the only thing to do is vomit it out for a few months.  A few weeks after the first trimester ended, the vomiting ended, for the most part.  There were some other times:

1. We were driving one afternoon in Orlando having a normal conversation, when Shelley suddenly said "I don't feel good, my tummy hurts.  Where is a plastic bag?  Pull the car over."  I am always flustered and shocked in these situations because they come on so fast.  After losing it outside of a tennis court, she got back in the car and said "Whew.  Did we pass Starbucks yet?  I want a chai tea latte."  I am still trying to figure out what is going on, and she is ready for spiced milk...  BEAST!

2. Sitting in the doctor's office.  We are waiting on the nurse to come back with the baby heartbeat listening machine and Shelley suddenly gets up and runs out.  I put down my "Healthy Mom Healthy Baby" magazine (first time at an OBGYN... strong lack of decent magazines) and look up only to hear the faint, now familiar sound of Shelley's upchuck from down the hall.  She comes back in, lays on the table as if nothing happened.  BEAST!

3. The other day she threw up her entire breakfast.  Texted me to tell me.  Then 10 minutes later texted me and said "I feel better now.  I took some medicine and ate, so I'll meet you for lunch at the noodle place."  BEAST!


Do I worry about my wife during labor and delivery?  Nope.  All I'm saying is the kid better watch out.  The woman finishes strong.  The bad news is that now that she is over the morning-sickness, milk, eggs, and peanut butter make her nauseous because she threw them up so much.  Her stomach issues make sense again.  But I know that won't last for long.  Soon comes the anti-morning sickness... cravings.         

We're pregnant! Husband's perspective part I- finding out we're pregnant

We have been a little busy in the last couple of months and thus our blog has been neglected, but we are back in a little bit of a swing of things, so let the blogging commence!  The past few months have seen the saying goodbye to several of our friends here in Asia, a trip back to America where I tested my feet in the graduate school pool, and oh yeah, we're pregnant.  This happened back in April, so at this point we are about halfway through the pregnancy.  I thought that this would be a great blog theme.  There are several blogs about pregnancy, books about pregnancy, movies about pregnancy, and with the exception of a terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, almost all of them are for women.  This makes sense seeing as pregnancy is largely a woman's issue.  However, I thought it would be a good idea, and I hope that I can stick to this plan, to track pregnancy from the impregnator's point of view.  (Come to think of it "The Impregnator" sounds like a Schwarzenegger movie.)  I am already behind seeing that Shelley is now 4 and a half months pregnant, so I will post several "catch up" blogs over the next couple of days to try to catch up to 4.5 months.  I will start with "the announcement."

You always see wives telling their husbands that they are pregnant on movies and they either react with extreme joy or extreme surprise followed by extreme joy.  I expected it to be like that.  Shelley would have tears of joy and I would pick her up and swing her around.  Instead, our "announcement" went something like this:

Shelley: "I took a pregnancy test and it said I might be pregnant."
Me (brushing my teeth): "Hmm."
Shelley: "Like, these lines here mean I might be pregnant."
Me: "How do you know if you are definitely pregnant?"
Shelley: "The lines are darker, but then you have to go to the doctor to find out."
Me: "Hmm." 

"Maybe pregnant" was nothing new to me.  Ever since we pulled the goalie I figured we might be pregnant because I knew the possibility was out there, so that announcement was kind of like the President giving the State of the Union, which I find to be one of the most interesting political traditions of all time.  He literally stands up there and gives a slightly optimistic view on what everyone already knows.  No one ever wakes up thinking "I wonder what America is like?" because we all know already.  And yet three branches of the government gather once a year for him to make an applause-interrupted speech about something that is no surprise to anyone. Can you imagine anyone getting the attention that this guy does for telling the state of something that everyone listening already knows about?  Just once I want the President to get up and say "The State of our Union... well we can't exactly call it a Union anymore because I sold West Virginia and Oregon to Micronesia yesterday for my own private island.  How is that for budget control House!?!?  Straight from the lower 48!  PREZ MAKIN PAPER!!!" and then walk off the stage with a microphone squeek.  That would be worthy of a State of the Union address.  All that to say that when Shelley told me she was "maybe pregnant," it was kind of like a State of the Uterus address.  Nothing I didn't already know anyway... 

...Until we were walking the dog later on that morning and she told me how disappointed she was in my reaction and how stressed she was.  I still did not understand what there was to be stressed about.  We were not trying to not get pregnant, and therefore we might have been pregnant, so... maybe pregnant.  Then she explained to me that "maybe pregnant" on a pregnancy test means that a hormone is present that would only be present if one was pregnant but not enough of the hormone to make the lines dark enough to give a green light.  Ohhhhhhh... so maybe pregnant meant she was pregnant.

This was one of the most confusing things to me.  A pregnancy test measures a hormone, and this hormone is only present if one is pregnant, and the test is only turned pink by this hormone... so why is there a maybe option?  It seems that there are 2 options, pregnant or not pregnant.  The only purposes that "maybe pregnant" can serve are the following:

1. Do Jedi mind tricks on a woman who is anxiously waiting to find out if she is pregnant
2. Make you buy more pregnancy tests
3. GET THE MAN WHO DOESN'T REACT STRONGLY ENOUGH TO "MAYBE PREGNANT" IN SERIOUS TROUBLE WITH HIS WIFE!!!

In our case, it achieved all 3 goals.  Thank you Dawei pregnancy tests.  A week later, Shelley came to me with a pregnancy test absolutely positive.  Only this time we weren't really that excited, because we already knew... maybe.

I will say at this point that this means so much more to the woman than it does to the man, and women, I beg for grace here.  Nothing changes in us at this point the way that it changes in you.  When we picture a child, we typically picture it able to run, walk, throw a ball, and ask us for money.  We don't have a picture of the 3 years and 9 months prior to that.  When we picture you pregnant... well we never picture our wives pregnant, just naked.  We don't know what pregnancy is like until you go through it for the first time.  I don't know if any of that is right or wrong, but it is what it is.  For Shelley to be pregnant was a huge deal to her, and it was a huge deal to me, but not as huge of a deal because it wasn't me who was staring down the barrel of body metamorphosis and morning sickness and different clothes and diet and labor and delivery.  I now understand that better than I did at the point that the announcement was made.  My tip to any other guys out there who is not trying not to get pregnant: make it a big deal because it is to her.  And maybe means definitely.