My wife and I have a long history with workout videos because we both like to stay relatively fit and there are a lack of good gyms in the area. P90X, Insanity, Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred, we've hit them all, and Shelley has always been able to hang with me on all of them. I decided when Shelley was pregnant that I could stand to lose a few pounds, and also that I didn't want to gain the pounds that many of my friends gained during their wives' pregnancies, so I cranked up P90X again. Instead of Shelley joining me this time, she was content to look on and smile with that satisfaction of "sucks to be you."
However, if there is one thing I learned about pregnancy, any "sucks to be you" feeling a pregnant woman may have lasts for less than a minute when she either throws up, pees her pants, or passes gas, all of which happen every 3-4 seconds or so. Unfortunately for Shelley, she has no excuse to not be working out, because for every workout video, there is a pregnancy workout video. So this summer, Shelley loaded up on her sister's pregnancy workout videos. She brought several back and uses them pretty frequently. I typically sit within ear shot when she is working out, and needless to say, these videos have been a delight for several reasons:
1. Shiva Rea's Prenatal Yoga... it's a classic. First off, Shiva Rea is a yoga master... a blond haired, white skinned yoga master. There is a .00001% chance that this woman was born with the given name Shiva. Shiva is the kind of name you choose after Emily had too many all night bingers and discovered that yoga has the same "I'm doing something kind of rebellious feeling" without having to hide the pot from the kids. At least that is my theory on how this yogi ended up with the name Shiva. My wife tells me I often make snap judgments about people... so here goes one. Shiva is way too into yoga. But her prenatal yoga video has been a charm to listen in on. First off, Shiva is always telling these women how and when to breathe. And when she gives the cue to exhale, she says it with a very soft "x." Makes me laugh every time. So I will hear something like "And inhale your knees up to your chest, all the while pulling the soul of your baby close to your heart... annnnnnnd ess haaaaaaale." How can I not laugh at that? My wife also occasionally chuckles, though I think she is used to it by now.
Shiva's video also features 3 women doing yoga, each in a different trimester, all wearing a different colored spandex body suit. This to me is just ridiculous. Nobody does normal yoga in a spandex body suit. Nobody does anything in a spandex bodysuit unless its halloween or the kids are in bed early, so why make pregnant women of all people wear one on a video? And the poor woman in her 3rd trimester... she must have been filming this video on her way to the hospital, because she is about to pop. This is only made more obvious by the fact that her name is Poppy... no freaking lie. This becomes very apparent because unlike the other two women in their first or second trimester, Poppy is just as likely to pull off any yoga move as a house cat is to being likeable. Poppy basically sits in a chair and shifts her weight a little bit. That's the extent of Poppy's yoga. But they call this "modified." So with every single move, Poppy's name is mentioned as the model you too can go to when you are in your third trimester. You always hear Poppy's name. I don't know what the other two women's names are, but Poppy is forever getting called out, and every time, there she is doing a modified cobra... if a cobra had just eaten a freaking reindeer and was trying to stretch itself out.
2. I have never heard the term "kegel muscles" before but good gracious that is all these workout videos talk about. Kegel this and kegel that. One night my wife was standing by our bed and swinging her hips back and forth like a hammock. I asked her what she was doing. She said "stretching my lower back and doing my kegels." Apparently working out your kegels helps in labor and delivery. Who knew these things even existed. I am just picturing myself in a gym holding 20 pounders swinging my hips back and forth. The guy beside me looks over and I say "workin the kegels." I'm sure that would win me points with the dudes in the locker room.
3. Unlike P90X, it is totally acceptable to snack in the middle of a pregnancy workout video. Or at least it is in our house. I am on my computer and in the background I hear Shiva giving a nice "ess haaaaaale" and its interrupted by a "CRUNCH." I look over to see my wife still holding her ballet squat position, arms stretched out, pretzel stick in her hand like a cigar, bite taken out of the top. At that point it became apparent to me that the purpose of pregnancy workout videos aren't necessarily to stay in any kind of shape. Can you imagine if I could pound a steak and cheese in the middle of P90X? That sounds awesome! But alas, I am stuck drinking water and sweating it out while Shelley brings her yoga mat, yoga block, chair, and bag of pepperidge farm goldfish to her workouts.
Shiva's preggy yoga jam isn't the only workout video in the mix, just my favorite. There are other videos that Shelley does, and they are helping to keep her in shape. I hope that all of this makes labor and delivery easier for my poor wife. At least I know that I can encourage her along the way by saying things like "get the kegels into it sweetheart!"
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Monday, October 22, 2012
we're having a boy!
so the process of us finding out the gender of our baby has been WAY more of a process than i ever thought possible. well before we were pregnant i told jarred that i think it would be awesome to not find out and be surprised. he disagreed, but then said that he didn't think it was worth arguing about because there was no way that i could ever go through with not finding out. and he was right. once we were pregnant i definitely couldn't not find out any information that i had the option to.
anyways, we left america in august at 19 weeks and were hoping that at my appointment 2 days early they would do an ultrasound and find out. no luck. so at 20 weeks at the international clinic our american doctor did one, but since it is just a clinic they don't have a lot of high-tech equipment. he told us that he literally found his old ultrasound machine sitting in a closet and asked the hospital if he could have it. the thing is terrible. he said that he guessed about 80% that our little nugget is a boy, but couldn't see clearly enough to tell. so he sent us to a local hospital. but, it is illegal here to tell a couple the sex of their baby due to the high rate of gender-selection abortions against little girls. their ultrasound was good and they said they would maybe agree with our doctor but they couldn't tell. they were being fishy and weird, so we think they just didn't want to tell us. we told our parents and families, but with 80% you can't really be sure. and i don't like not being sure!
some good friends of ours who have had 3 babies while living here told us to go to a private hospital in our city because they would tell us, so at 24 weeks we did. (aside: this hospital is really close to where we lived our first 2 years here. we both went a couple times for different things- like a sore throat and they told me it was from eating french fries, which i hadn't. when we walked in this morning, jarred said "remember when we thought this place was good and could actually save lives. yeah.") anyways, we checked in and told them we wanted an ultrasound (if at this point we are sounding excessive, know that here an ultrasound is free at the clinic, costs $10 at the local hospital, and $30 at the private hospital). we paid and then went up to the ultrasound section, where after finding out i was 24 weeks they said they could only do it on saturday mornings. and our saturday mornings were booked for the next few weeks.
so then comes 28 weeks. yay for the 3rd trimester. not exciting about 28 weeks is the gestational diabetes test. ugh. i had only heard terrible things. and the american doctor said we had to go to the private hospital to get it done. so this morning we trekked an hour into the city at 7 am, jumped through a million hoops, drank 75 grams of pure sugar, and had my blood drawn twice. AND they did an ultrasound! they have a flat screen tv where we both got to see 10 fingers and 10 toes, developing organs, and a big yawn. i fully expected a breakfast of pure sugar to send the little one into flips and flops, but our baby was either really tired or a little lazy because this morning he just wanted to sleep. despite his uncooperative attitude in keeping his legs tightly scrunched, they said that IT'S A BOY!! yay, i think we know as much as we will ever know until he makes his appearance in january!
we are really thankful and though it has taken a full 2 months to actually find out, i am personally proud of myself for the patience i displayed. we are so thankful and are looking forward to meeting him in 3 months :)
ps- baby bump pictures coming soon!
Thursday, September 27, 2012
A Husband's Perspective on Pregnancy Part 4- The Birth Plan
Forewarning: My wife recommended that I not breach the following topic lest my ignorance show through. In her words "I would go easy on the birth plan since you haven't done much research on 'why.'" I am ignoring her warning and proceeding anyway.
The first time I heard about a "birth plan," what immediately popped into my head was which car we would take to the hospital once the little dude was ready to roll on out. I have never once thought anything beyond this, and the first time I thought about this was when it became apparent to me that a birth plan was needed. I always thought that labor and delivery just kind of happened with no planning needed except for making sure you aren't traveling to some place like Kosovo or Angola any time close to when you are about to deliver. Apparently this was not enough forethought into the birthing process. To be honest, I don't care to forethink anymore into the birthing process. One time I came in the room at a terrible time during one of the TLC channel's baby stories when a woman was giving birth in a bathtub and I almost lost whatever I had eaten that day. Why do we have the technology to blur out screens if we don't use it in what I would say is the absolute most appropriate situation for censoring? I don't care what anybody says, that is not beautiful or moving. Maybe it will be beautiful when it is my own child, but much like your own fart isn't funny to anyone else but you, I have concluded that the birth of a child couldn't be beautiful to anyone else but its own parents. So birthing plan rule #1- I plan on murdering anyone who tries to bring a camera into the delivery room. All of that to say, the less forethinking I can do about my wife giving birth, the better.
So, what goes into a birthing plan? More than I ever imagined. Here are a few things that I have learned about:
1. Hospital, birthing center, or home- This was figured out early for us. I had always dreamed of my first child being born at UNC Hospital in my favorite place in the world, Chapel Hill, North Carolina. However, some doctors will not agree to deliver a baby without seeing the woman throughout her pregnancy, or at least a good part of her pregnancy, and due to our location throughout a vast majority of the pregnancy, that wasn't possible in Chapel Hill. My wife had the right mind to check at her last checkup to make sure her doctor in Norfolk would see her, which she agreed to. Therefore, we have decided to go with the hospital in Norfolk. My wife had hopes of giving birth in the birthing center attached to the hospital. The first time I heard of the idea of a birthing center, I asked my wife "what the heck is a labor and delivery ward in a hospital if not a birthing center?" Offensive question #1. Guys, I had no idea that you could ask so many offensive questions. My wife explained that a birthing center is a place where you give birth with no doctor present. Offensive questions #2-6 soon followed. My wife really wanted the doctor-less option, but unfortunately you cannot give birth at the doctor-less birthing center unless the midwives see you at a certain point in the pregnancy which was actually earlier than we were going to be in America, so that option was ruled out. Confusingly enough, while in America this past summer, my wife was seen by a midwife in the doctor's office, who referred to herself as a doctor several times, thus confusing me more in the difference in a hospital and birthing center. Apparently another new popular option is the home-birth, where you give birth at home in your jacuzzi tub. That is an interesting money-saving option, but the only 2 home births I have ever witnessed were the one previously spoken of on TLC, and the scene from "Robin Hood Prince of Thieves" where Little John's wife is sweating profusely and biting down on a stick in a merry hut while cranking out the little guy onto a dirt floor. Needless to say, if I have anything to do with it, the home birth will not be a part of our birthing plan. This leaves the hospital with a doctor option (or the "traditional birthing center" as I'll call it).
2. Natural or Not: I had no idea what was meant by the term "natural childbirth" until we talked about it. Apparently this is where I have little understanding. This is a decision about how much pain you will endure during the pregnancy. After talking about this and having it explained, I am still baffled that this could ever be a decision. A strong and safe pain killer is offered, ready for the taking, and you can refuse it, thus having the child more naturally. I tried to think of another situation in modern medicine where this is an accepted practice, and I couldn't. I always thought it would be cool if I tore my ACL to take a local to the knee and watch the surgery unfold instead of being knocked out, but even then, I still would want my knee to be numb. I don't understand the desire to birth a child without the painkiller. My wife, being the beast that she is, wants to give it a go. When I asked why, she answered "it is more natural, how it is supposed to be, like how it was done years ago." (Cue up the scene from Robin Hood again) I had to ask myself some nerdy questions, like didn't they have like 60% infant mortality rates years ago? Didn't they deliver babies in mud huts? Didn't they deliver babies right after slaughtering a pig with no hand wash inbetween? Isn't this the whole purpose of medical achievement? Aren't you offending Louis Pasteur? (Offensive questions #10-14) What is more than that, when I asked her if her decision to not have pain killers meant that she had lost the right to whine about the pain during labor (offensive question #17) it turns out that she maintains every right to whine. Why? (Offensive question #18) Because "I did this to her." When I suggested that meant we could stop at 1 kid if I'm the one taking the blame (Offensive question #23), well that didn't go over well either. The other night, I decided that in an effort to (cynically) support, I would refuse to bring her Tums during her nightly pregnancy-driven heartburn. I figure if you're going to go through pregnancy with no pain killer, why not start light with a little stomach acid to get fired up? Offensive question #34.
3. Who will be in the delivery room- Apparently you get to choose who is in the delivery room during the birth, or as I like to call it- "How many family members we can offend before the baby is even born?" I don't want to breach this subject, but all births need plans... I suppose. I don't as much mind other people in the delivery room as much as cameras in the delivery room. I am scared that someone is going to bring a camera into the delivery room thus bringing a rage from my delivering wife unlike any in history. Therefore, I think it will just be the two of us. My Dad told me that when I was born he was running all over the delivery room trying to grab me and the doctor was yelling at him about infecting me. As cool as that sounds, I just don't envision myself wanting to touch the little guy until he's been cleaned up a little bit. Some of these dads who get in the quarterback position ready to take the kid as he comes out impress me. That is not me. To be honest, I wish for the days when dad's weren't allowed in the waiting room because I don't know what the heck purpose I'm going to serve in there except to get in the way and be grossed out. I am going to be the "support my wife by holding her hand and hope that the gown is covering everything else that is going on down there" type. First off, I am already terrified of holding newborns for fear that their head will just pop off or something like that while they are in my arms. It may be a weird fear, but every time someone has ever handed me a newborn, I have been thinking to myself "please start crying so they take you back, please start crying so they take you back." Literally, every time I have passed an infant to someone else, I have breathed a huge sigh of relief that it was still alive when I was done holding it. Kind of like "whew... got through that one. Maybe there won't be another chance for a few years." The problem is that all of those newborns have been dry and clothed. So the idea of holding my own kid, whose head I fear popping off more than any other kid's, while he's still slicked down from the pipe sled of terror, is horrifying. I can literally envision no other situation than him sliding right out of my hands onto the floor. I would actually be better in the waiting room while a family member who has done this before could be in the room.
4. To keep the placenta/umbilical cord or not- Biology. Frankenstein. Glass jars. Formaldehyde. Einstein's brain. Enough said. Will someone please lock the person who ever suggested this in a cell?
So there is our birthing plan. Natural (with the "epidural nod" ready to go), in a traditional birthing center, lucky me in the room, all placentii and umbilical cords in biohazard waste cans.
Still don't know which car we're taking to the hospital.
The first time I heard about a "birth plan," what immediately popped into my head was which car we would take to the hospital once the little dude was ready to roll on out. I have never once thought anything beyond this, and the first time I thought about this was when it became apparent to me that a birth plan was needed. I always thought that labor and delivery just kind of happened with no planning needed except for making sure you aren't traveling to some place like Kosovo or Angola any time close to when you are about to deliver. Apparently this was not enough forethought into the birthing process. To be honest, I don't care to forethink anymore into the birthing process. One time I came in the room at a terrible time during one of the TLC channel's baby stories when a woman was giving birth in a bathtub and I almost lost whatever I had eaten that day. Why do we have the technology to blur out screens if we don't use it in what I would say is the absolute most appropriate situation for censoring? I don't care what anybody says, that is not beautiful or moving. Maybe it will be beautiful when it is my own child, but much like your own fart isn't funny to anyone else but you, I have concluded that the birth of a child couldn't be beautiful to anyone else but its own parents. So birthing plan rule #1- I plan on murdering anyone who tries to bring a camera into the delivery room. All of that to say, the less forethinking I can do about my wife giving birth, the better.
So, what goes into a birthing plan? More than I ever imagined. Here are a few things that I have learned about:
1. Hospital, birthing center, or home- This was figured out early for us. I had always dreamed of my first child being born at UNC Hospital in my favorite place in the world, Chapel Hill, North Carolina. However, some doctors will not agree to deliver a baby without seeing the woman throughout her pregnancy, or at least a good part of her pregnancy, and due to our location throughout a vast majority of the pregnancy, that wasn't possible in Chapel Hill. My wife had the right mind to check at her last checkup to make sure her doctor in Norfolk would see her, which she agreed to. Therefore, we have decided to go with the hospital in Norfolk. My wife had hopes of giving birth in the birthing center attached to the hospital. The first time I heard of the idea of a birthing center, I asked my wife "what the heck is a labor and delivery ward in a hospital if not a birthing center?" Offensive question #1. Guys, I had no idea that you could ask so many offensive questions. My wife explained that a birthing center is a place where you give birth with no doctor present. Offensive questions #2-6 soon followed. My wife really wanted the doctor-less option, but unfortunately you cannot give birth at the doctor-less birthing center unless the midwives see you at a certain point in the pregnancy which was actually earlier than we were going to be in America, so that option was ruled out. Confusingly enough, while in America this past summer, my wife was seen by a midwife in the doctor's office, who referred to herself as a doctor several times, thus confusing me more in the difference in a hospital and birthing center. Apparently another new popular option is the home-birth, where you give birth at home in your jacuzzi tub. That is an interesting money-saving option, but the only 2 home births I have ever witnessed were the one previously spoken of on TLC, and the scene from "Robin Hood Prince of Thieves" where Little John's wife is sweating profusely and biting down on a stick in a merry hut while cranking out the little guy onto a dirt floor. Needless to say, if I have anything to do with it, the home birth will not be a part of our birthing plan. This leaves the hospital with a doctor option (or the "traditional birthing center" as I'll call it).
2. Natural or Not: I had no idea what was meant by the term "natural childbirth" until we talked about it. Apparently this is where I have little understanding. This is a decision about how much pain you will endure during the pregnancy. After talking about this and having it explained, I am still baffled that this could ever be a decision. A strong and safe pain killer is offered, ready for the taking, and you can refuse it, thus having the child more naturally. I tried to think of another situation in modern medicine where this is an accepted practice, and I couldn't. I always thought it would be cool if I tore my ACL to take a local to the knee and watch the surgery unfold instead of being knocked out, but even then, I still would want my knee to be numb. I don't understand the desire to birth a child without the painkiller. My wife, being the beast that she is, wants to give it a go. When I asked why, she answered "it is more natural, how it is supposed to be, like how it was done years ago." (Cue up the scene from Robin Hood again) I had to ask myself some nerdy questions, like didn't they have like 60% infant mortality rates years ago? Didn't they deliver babies in mud huts? Didn't they deliver babies right after slaughtering a pig with no hand wash inbetween? Isn't this the whole purpose of medical achievement? Aren't you offending Louis Pasteur? (Offensive questions #10-14) What is more than that, when I asked her if her decision to not have pain killers meant that she had lost the right to whine about the pain during labor (offensive question #17) it turns out that she maintains every right to whine. Why? (Offensive question #18) Because "I did this to her." When I suggested that meant we could stop at 1 kid if I'm the one taking the blame (Offensive question #23), well that didn't go over well either. The other night, I decided that in an effort to (cynically) support, I would refuse to bring her Tums during her nightly pregnancy-driven heartburn. I figure if you're going to go through pregnancy with no pain killer, why not start light with a little stomach acid to get fired up? Offensive question #34.
3. Who will be in the delivery room- Apparently you get to choose who is in the delivery room during the birth, or as I like to call it- "How many family members we can offend before the baby is even born?" I don't want to breach this subject, but all births need plans... I suppose. I don't as much mind other people in the delivery room as much as cameras in the delivery room. I am scared that someone is going to bring a camera into the delivery room thus bringing a rage from my delivering wife unlike any in history. Therefore, I think it will just be the two of us. My Dad told me that when I was born he was running all over the delivery room trying to grab me and the doctor was yelling at him about infecting me. As cool as that sounds, I just don't envision myself wanting to touch the little guy until he's been cleaned up a little bit. Some of these dads who get in the quarterback position ready to take the kid as he comes out impress me. That is not me. To be honest, I wish for the days when dad's weren't allowed in the waiting room because I don't know what the heck purpose I'm going to serve in there except to get in the way and be grossed out. I am going to be the "support my wife by holding her hand and hope that the gown is covering everything else that is going on down there" type. First off, I am already terrified of holding newborns for fear that their head will just pop off or something like that while they are in my arms. It may be a weird fear, but every time someone has ever handed me a newborn, I have been thinking to myself "please start crying so they take you back, please start crying so they take you back." Literally, every time I have passed an infant to someone else, I have breathed a huge sigh of relief that it was still alive when I was done holding it. Kind of like "whew... got through that one. Maybe there won't be another chance for a few years." The problem is that all of those newborns have been dry and clothed. So the idea of holding my own kid, whose head I fear popping off more than any other kid's, while he's still slicked down from the pipe sled of terror, is horrifying. I can literally envision no other situation than him sliding right out of my hands onto the floor. I would actually be better in the waiting room while a family member who has done this before could be in the room.
4. To keep the placenta/umbilical cord or not- Biology. Frankenstein. Glass jars. Formaldehyde. Einstein's brain. Enough said. Will someone please lock the person who ever suggested this in a cell?
So there is our birthing plan. Natural (with the "epidural nod" ready to go), in a traditional birthing center, lucky me in the room, all placentii and umbilical cords in biohazard waste cans.
Still don't know which car we're taking to the hospital.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Pregnancy from a Husband's Perspective Part 3- Registering
Having studied marketing at a great business school in college, I feel at times as if I am immune to the marketing schemes of companies to try to get you to buy their products. I take a bit of pride in this. My wife would argue that this is not true across the board, hence the heart palpitations that occur each time I read an iphone 5 review. I confess I like gizmos and such, but I also was trained in business school how to market, so I can tell when I'm being marketed, even if I go for it. For example, I recognize that the iphone 5 is not a greater product from the iphone 4S and that Apple has merely produced it as a timing ploy and even if everyone recognizes that it isn't that much of a better phone, people will stand in line to get it. Apple is now banking on not having to produce as revolutionary of a cell phone for people to still be willing to buy it, even though the upgrade isn't all that great. See what they did there? Yet the lines will be out the door at Apple stores on the day that baby is released, and people are counting down the days until their Verizon plan allows for an upgrade so they can throw that old, trashy iphone 4s out the door. All that to say that I knew marketers were brilliant, but I didn't know the extent of their brilliance until the first time I walked in a Babies R Us.
Now, marketers are brilliant at getting to you buy stuff, and one of the most brilliant ways they do this is by making it to where you don't have to buy it, but you get other people to buy things for you... this is better known as the registry. It is amazing. Registries have so changed the celebrations of major events in our lives that they are a natural part of the process. We were so excited to register for our wedding, it was like experiencing something that so many couples before us had experienced, like so much of the process of wedding planning. And all of the nice things that people gave us allowed us to set up an amazing kitchen. But even more excited than us was Bed Bath and Beyond, who knows that every time we zapped something, it was as good as bought from their store. It really is a genius idea- have people select things from your store that make it as easy as possible to buy something that you are guaranteed to know the couple will want because they chose it. Everyone wins. I thought our wedding registry was marketing genius, until the I went into Babies R' Us this summer with my wife to look at things for a baby registry for her. Why are baby products so genius? Here are a few reasons:
1. They take the man out of the picture- When we registered for our wedding, I was all about looking at cool kitchen knives and stainless steel, but with baby products, the impregnator could care less. When we were in Babies R' Us, my wife was trying to explain something to me about BPA in baby bottles but I was too busy laughing hysterically and taking pictures with my iphone camera(3G... just waiting for the 5 to come out...despite my knowledge of all these marketing ideas, i'm really not immune) of some product called My Brest Friend (no worries, the spelling didn't throw me off). There is nothing better for a company than to reduce the purchasing power to as few people as possible, and there is not a single baby product marketed to a male for that reason, because they don't want the men involved in the decision making. It really isn't that difficult in the end, because as I have mentioned before, men have a hard time imagining their child as a baby. We tend to look ahead to the time that the kid is up and walking, and most baby registries include nothing for that stage in a child's life. Therefore, baby stuff is too uninteresting to us for us to make a snap decision based on sheer desire, so we may try to talk our wives out of registering for that extra add on. We who love driving fast cars really fast, and especially those of us who grew up in a generation where we rode in the front seat of a station wagon as soon as we could fit in the seat belt, find the idea of a car seat ridiculous, so paying more money for one that is advertised as safer is not worth it, and car seat manufacturers don't want us influencing our wives for that very reason. Which brings me to my next brilliant point about baby products:
2. FEAR!!!- Baby product marketers know one thing: soon to be first time moms deal a lot with anxiety and fear over the general well-being of that ball of joy that is making their body change in more ways than they ever imagined. They have a short time (9 months) of any woman's life to take advantage of this fear because most women realize by their second kid that the kid is going to survive without all that stuff, and they know what to expect in pregnancy and general child rearing in the early months when the little guy is too wobbly to hold his own disproportionately large head up, so they aren't willing to buy as many products. Women by nature worry more about their first baby. This is largely because they don't know what they are getting into. There is so much unknown, so many questions, and they get an hour a month with their doctors to alleviate these fears, leaving the other 743 hours of the month to wonder (often aloud to their husbands). You want to know what Target likes to see? A first time Mom, scared to death, hand on the womb, walking through the aisles trying to figure out if choosing that less expensive bottle scrub brush might expose her child to more life-endangering bacteria. If it is a pregnant woman holding the hand of an already-birthed child, no need to bother. That kid has been exposed to so much bacteria that she knows Mr. Clean himself couldn't save her, and yet the child is there, fully healthy and active, driving her crazy as she swings through to grab some generic brand (Gasp) powder (GASP) non-organic (HOW CAN SHE DO THAT?!?!) laundry detergent. No worries about the one in the womb... she knows it'll be fine. Marketers go hard after the first time moms and play on the fear that accompanies the unknowns of pregnancy and child birth. What is so awesome about registry lists to these companies is even if the mom asks herself the question "is this really necessary?" she honestly has no idea, and she will feel guilty even asking the question in the first place, or she will decide it is better to go with it just in case. That is how they can convince us that a $700 car seat (if you haven't yet entered the stage of infants, it may be news to you, but yes $700 car seats exist, plentifully) is indeed safer than a $100 car seat (as if car seat regulations weren't so strict that the government would pass a car seat that would be dangerous), or that organic diaper rash cream is more gentle on your baby's skin than regular. Honestly, we make fun of the parents and grandparents in East Asia who wrap their kids up in layers and layers of clothes and blankets to protect them, but we more or less do the same thing with our wallets at the store. I appreciate my wife in this area. She doesn't let the marketers fool her and is more than happy to register for the cheaper version, although she did throw in the fact that in the first year we will have to have 2 different car seats which makes me feel like I lost a battle to government regulators. She also did not choose anything based on cute value on the recognition that grandparents love cute baby clothes and will take care of that for us (Just the other day my dad pulled up a batman costume for 6-9 months on the webcam) and therefore she is immune to those areas of marketing. She also has experienced moms (namely her older sister) who give her plenty of information on what she does and doesn't need. Shelley has largely beat the marketers, which makes me, her business degree-wielding husband, very proud.
3. Imagery- There are some products out there that can just place a picture of the product on the box and it will sell (see the iphone). However, with other products, there is something to sell beyond the product because the product couldn't sell itself, and they put this something else on the box. I noticed that baby products do a lot of this. My Brest Friend for example, rather than putting a picture of a moon shaped pillow on the cover, puts a picture of a mom safely breast feeding a baby on the cover because they are selling that image to get you to buy the pillow. Gerber puts the Gerber baby on the cover because frankly there is nothing appetizing about a picture of green peas that I could make in my mouth if I squished them back and forth through my teeth enough times and spit them back out, so they put this perfect, healthy looking baby on the cover so you are buying it for the health value. As an alternate, here are some images that I would love to see on baby products for my own cynical pleasure:
Now, marketers are brilliant at getting to you buy stuff, and one of the most brilliant ways they do this is by making it to where you don't have to buy it, but you get other people to buy things for you... this is better known as the registry. It is amazing. Registries have so changed the celebrations of major events in our lives that they are a natural part of the process. We were so excited to register for our wedding, it was like experiencing something that so many couples before us had experienced, like so much of the process of wedding planning. And all of the nice things that people gave us allowed us to set up an amazing kitchen. But even more excited than us was Bed Bath and Beyond, who knows that every time we zapped something, it was as good as bought from their store. It really is a genius idea- have people select things from your store that make it as easy as possible to buy something that you are guaranteed to know the couple will want because they chose it. Everyone wins. I thought our wedding registry was marketing genius, until the I went into Babies R' Us this summer with my wife to look at things for a baby registry for her. Why are baby products so genius? Here are a few reasons:
1. They take the man out of the picture- When we registered for our wedding, I was all about looking at cool kitchen knives and stainless steel, but with baby products, the impregnator could care less. When we were in Babies R' Us, my wife was trying to explain something to me about BPA in baby bottles but I was too busy laughing hysterically and taking pictures with my iphone camera(3G... just waiting for the 5 to come out...despite my knowledge of all these marketing ideas, i'm really not immune) of some product called My Brest Friend (no worries, the spelling didn't throw me off). There is nothing better for a company than to reduce the purchasing power to as few people as possible, and there is not a single baby product marketed to a male for that reason, because they don't want the men involved in the decision making. It really isn't that difficult in the end, because as I have mentioned before, men have a hard time imagining their child as a baby. We tend to look ahead to the time that the kid is up and walking, and most baby registries include nothing for that stage in a child's life. Therefore, baby stuff is too uninteresting to us for us to make a snap decision based on sheer desire, so we may try to talk our wives out of registering for that extra add on. We who love driving fast cars really fast, and especially those of us who grew up in a generation where we rode in the front seat of a station wagon as soon as we could fit in the seat belt, find the idea of a car seat ridiculous, so paying more money for one that is advertised as safer is not worth it, and car seat manufacturers don't want us influencing our wives for that very reason. Which brings me to my next brilliant point about baby products:
2. FEAR!!!- Baby product marketers know one thing: soon to be first time moms deal a lot with anxiety and fear over the general well-being of that ball of joy that is making their body change in more ways than they ever imagined. They have a short time (9 months) of any woman's life to take advantage of this fear because most women realize by their second kid that the kid is going to survive without all that stuff, and they know what to expect in pregnancy and general child rearing in the early months when the little guy is too wobbly to hold his own disproportionately large head up, so they aren't willing to buy as many products. Women by nature worry more about their first baby. This is largely because they don't know what they are getting into. There is so much unknown, so many questions, and they get an hour a month with their doctors to alleviate these fears, leaving the other 743 hours of the month to wonder (often aloud to their husbands). You want to know what Target likes to see? A first time Mom, scared to death, hand on the womb, walking through the aisles trying to figure out if choosing that less expensive bottle scrub brush might expose her child to more life-endangering bacteria. If it is a pregnant woman holding the hand of an already-birthed child, no need to bother. That kid has been exposed to so much bacteria that she knows Mr. Clean himself couldn't save her, and yet the child is there, fully healthy and active, driving her crazy as she swings through to grab some generic brand (Gasp) powder (GASP) non-organic (HOW CAN SHE DO THAT?!?!) laundry detergent. No worries about the one in the womb... she knows it'll be fine. Marketers go hard after the first time moms and play on the fear that accompanies the unknowns of pregnancy and child birth. What is so awesome about registry lists to these companies is even if the mom asks herself the question "is this really necessary?" she honestly has no idea, and she will feel guilty even asking the question in the first place, or she will decide it is better to go with it just in case. That is how they can convince us that a $700 car seat (if you haven't yet entered the stage of infants, it may be news to you, but yes $700 car seats exist, plentifully) is indeed safer than a $100 car seat (as if car seat regulations weren't so strict that the government would pass a car seat that would be dangerous), or that organic diaper rash cream is more gentle on your baby's skin than regular. Honestly, we make fun of the parents and grandparents in East Asia who wrap their kids up in layers and layers of clothes and blankets to protect them, but we more or less do the same thing with our wallets at the store. I appreciate my wife in this area. She doesn't let the marketers fool her and is more than happy to register for the cheaper version, although she did throw in the fact that in the first year we will have to have 2 different car seats which makes me feel like I lost a battle to government regulators. She also did not choose anything based on cute value on the recognition that grandparents love cute baby clothes and will take care of that for us (Just the other day my dad pulled up a batman costume for 6-9 months on the webcam) and therefore she is immune to those areas of marketing. She also has experienced moms (namely her older sister) who give her plenty of information on what she does and doesn't need. Shelley has largely beat the marketers, which makes me, her business degree-wielding husband, very proud.
3. Imagery- There are some products out there that can just place a picture of the product on the box and it will sell (see the iphone). However, with other products, there is something to sell beyond the product because the product couldn't sell itself, and they put this something else on the box. I noticed that baby products do a lot of this. My Brest Friend for example, rather than putting a picture of a moon shaped pillow on the cover, puts a picture of a mom safely breast feeding a baby on the cover because they are selling that image to get you to buy the pillow. Gerber puts the Gerber baby on the cover because frankly there is nothing appetizing about a picture of green peas that I could make in my mouth if I squished them back and forth through my teeth enough times and spit them back out, so they put this perfect, healthy looking baby on the cover so you are buying it for the health value. As an alternate, here are some images that I would love to see on baby products for my own cynical pleasure:
- On a box of newborn diapers, I think it would be awesome for once to put a picture of a newborn right out of the womb on the cover- all blue and wrinkly and gangly with its cone-shaped head and alien sized eye balls being covered by unusually thick eyelids screaming its brains out over the where-the-heck-did-my-placenta-go experience that is taking place.
- On a car seat box, I think it would be cool to have a picture of a kid strapped in the car seat while a dad looks on furiously at the idea of a car seat covering his plush leather interior that he two years ago used his bonus to pay extra for in his luxury sedan. Better yet, just have a picture of a man with the look on his face that comes with holding the keys to a minivan.
- My Brest Friend... lets be honest, I can't do anything to My Brest Friend to make it any better than it already is. My Brest Friend cannot be changed for the better. It says everything. I seriously thought it was a joke the first time I saw it, like a gag gift, like an "FBI-Female Body Inspector" mug (that is outrageous!). But it turns out it is a real product, it's main competitor being "The Boppy." My wife talks about them as if they are as well-known as Kleenex "Well so and so has a Boppy and loves it, but so and so got the Double My Brest Friend (The "My Brest Friends" if you will) for her twins and she says it has saved her life. Which one do you think we should go with?" (I always want to answer that question in jest with "formula" but I know the dangers of joking with a pregnant woman) Gents, if you don't know what either of these products are, then the marketers have succeeded.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Pregnancy from a husband's perspective part 2- Morning sickness
Apparently there is a bell curve for morning sickness. Some women never have it, most have it only during their first trimester, and some have it all the way through. Some women feel nauseaus, some women vomit every morning, some women vomit all day long. And then there is my wife. As soon as we received a positive pregnancy test, Shelley started throwing up. And vomiting. And vomiting. And vomiting. She vomited in her pajamas, in jeans and a t-shirt, in her Sunday best. She vomited before breakfast, after lunch, and in the middle of cooking dinner, and then all night long. Twice she had to have IVs to get rehydrated from throwing up so much. So... needless to say, I now know morning sickness and honestly hope that it is never as bad again. Here are some of my guy's perspectives on morning sickness:
1. MORNING SICKNESS IS COUNTER-INTUITIVE. My stomach is cast iron. Living in a land where upper and lower digestive tract issues are the norm due to somewhat less than kosher sanitary food prep practices, I experience very few. In fact, I've had food poisoning once in my five years here, and that was in India (and that wasn't the worst thing to happen to me in India). If I am sick to my stomach, its usually a 24 hour bug. But there is one thing I know when I get stomach sick: the last thing I want to do is eat. I will take saltines and gatorade. That is about it. But morning sickness is totally different. Here is a typical conversation:
Shelley: Ugh I threw up again. I need to eat something. (Two sentences that are apparently only side by side during morning sickness)
Me: I'll run out and get you some saltines.
Shelley: No, saltines here are too buttery. They make me nauseous.
Me: Okay, what do you want?
Shelley: Can you get me __________?
Me: What the he... You want what?!
Shelley: I want ____________.
Me (starting to feel a little queezy at this point at the idea of eating _______ right after vomiting): Are you sure?
Shelley: Yes, and fast, I'm about to vomit again and I need to eat!
Here are some common things in ____________.
1. A glass of milk.
2. Fried eggs.
3. A spoonful of peanut butter.
WHO EATS THIS STUFF RIGHT AFTER VOMITING? You know those random gross verses in the Bible? There is one where the author draws an analogy to a dog returning to its vomit. I thought that was as gross as it got. But I think he should have said something like "Like a woman with child returning to heavy food after vomit." It was grosser to me.
Here are my top 3 most beastly post-vomit meal experiences:
3. My friend Aaron O'Hare who joined me in food poisoning in India (quite literally joined me, we were sharing a bathroom. Quite literally sharing a bathroom, it was that poisonous. And that wasn't the worst thing that happened to us in India.) followed up a horror-filled night of sickness by pounding a Mexican salsa chicken burger at McDonald's the time he ate. BEAST!
2. My friend and former roommate Daniel Schneider who was frequently stomach sick while living in East Asia. He would do this amazing thing where he disappeared into the bathroom for an entire night at a time sick to his stomach over something he ate, sleep it off the next morning, emerge from his room at 3pm and say something like "Let's get shao kao, I'm starving." BEAST!
1. My wife, Shelley Klein Jung, who immediately after vomiting, in an effort to get protein, went for a cold glass of whole-fat milk, a fried egg, or a spoonful of peanut butter... several times a day for a month and a half. BEAST BEAST BEAST!!!
Seriously... all those skinny Japanese dudes and fat American dudes competing in these hot-dog, chili-fry, wing eating contests, I will put my pregnant wife up against all of them because I know she can down a hot dog, vomit, and look them in the eye while throwing back another one. Gallon challenge? Please. The woman finishes strong. Respect!
I have never seen anything like this in my life. It is seriously the most counter-intuitive thing I have ever heard of. Eat right after vomiting in hopes that it stops the next round of vomiting. We were told to eat protein early and frequently, and that helps curb the nausea. Well this piece of advice didn't work, which brings me to my next thought on morning sickness:
2. NOTHING NATURAL CAN STOP MORNING SICKNESS. Here are some suggestions we heard from doctors and moms:
1. Eat frequently- didn't work.
2. Eat protein- see above, didn't work.
3. Try ginger tea- didn't work.
4. Try ginger candy- didn't work.
5. Try ginger ale- didn't work.
6. Drink milk and not water- didn't work.
7. Try mint tea- didn't work.
8. Try mint candy- didn't work.
9. Sit up and don't lie on your back- didn't work.
10. Avoid things that can cause motion sickness like riding in a car- stupid idea anyway. didn't work.
11. Try child's anti-nausea medication (safe for pregnant women, given to us by a doctor)- didn't work.
Typically in this country, it is the natives who have terrible medical ideas. "Your skin is peeling. It must be because you showered on the 3rd of the month." "It's winter and freezing outside, so open the windows." "Be careful of the evil wind." "Your throat is swollen and red because you ate too many hard foods like french fries." "Don't mix cold and hot water. It will give you AIDS." However, in the instance of morning sickness, the only advice locals had was "it will get better in the second trimester." For once, they were the ones who were right. Almost...
3. NOTHING CAN STOP MORNING SICKNESS EXCEPT FOR ONE MIRACLE PILL-
The miracle working medicine is called Zophran, and a kind American doctor tracked it down for us. It was originally developed for chemotherapy patients, but it is safe for pregnancy, and it works. We ended up with the last 3 boxes of Zophran in all of our city. His words "It is out of date, but I'd give it to my wife." Good enough for us. We had enough for 2 weeks, but we would not be back in America where we could get more for 3 weeks. I thought that only drug addicts did this kind of thing, but we have now experienced the despair known as pharmacy shortage. We had medical students in their residencies sneaking around the hospital searching for more of this med and begging doctors on our behalf. That desperate. But to no avail. So, we rationed. First a pill every time she was nauseous, then 1 a day, then a half a day, then a half a pill every time she was nauseous until... 3 hours left into our last flight to the US she took the last half pill. It was like something out of a movie. Her mom met us outside of customs in D.C. with a bag fresh from the pharmacy. And like junkies, we breathed a huge sigh of relief. I seriously wanted to forge a prescription for the future, just in case we are in a situation where we couldn't get it again the next time she is pregnant.
Final verdict: I'm calling bs on any advice about morning sickness other than "get a prescription for Zophran."
This time the East Asians got it right. Apart from medicine (which is non-existent in their country), the only thing to do is vomit it out for a few months. A few weeks after the first trimester ended, the vomiting ended, for the most part. There were some other times:
1. We were driving one afternoon in Orlando having a normal conversation, when Shelley suddenly said "I don't feel good, my tummy hurts. Where is a plastic bag? Pull the car over." I am always flustered and shocked in these situations because they come on so fast. After losing it outside of a tennis court, she got back in the car and said "Whew. Did we pass Starbucks yet? I want a chai tea latte." I am still trying to figure out what is going on, and she is ready for spiced milk... BEAST!
2. Sitting in the doctor's office. We are waiting on the nurse to come back with the baby heartbeat listening machine and Shelley suddenly gets up and runs out. I put down my "Healthy Mom Healthy Baby" magazine (first time at an OBGYN... strong lack of decent magazines) and look up only to hear the faint, now familiar sound of Shelley's upchuck from down the hall. She comes back in, lays on the table as if nothing happened. BEAST!
3. The other day she threw up her entire breakfast. Texted me to tell me. Then 10 minutes later texted me and said "I feel better now. I took some medicine and ate, so I'll meet you for lunch at the noodle place." BEAST!
Do I worry about my wife during labor and delivery? Nope. All I'm saying is the kid better watch out. The woman finishes strong. The bad news is that now that she is over the morning-sickness, milk, eggs, and peanut butter make her nauseous because she threw them up so much. Her stomach issues make sense again. But I know that won't last for long. Soon comes the anti-morning sickness... cravings.
1. MORNING SICKNESS IS COUNTER-INTUITIVE. My stomach is cast iron. Living in a land where upper and lower digestive tract issues are the norm due to somewhat less than kosher sanitary food prep practices, I experience very few. In fact, I've had food poisoning once in my five years here, and that was in India (and that wasn't the worst thing to happen to me in India). If I am sick to my stomach, its usually a 24 hour bug. But there is one thing I know when I get stomach sick: the last thing I want to do is eat. I will take saltines and gatorade. That is about it. But morning sickness is totally different. Here is a typical conversation:
Shelley: Ugh I threw up again. I need to eat something. (Two sentences that are apparently only side by side during morning sickness)
Me: I'll run out and get you some saltines.
Shelley: No, saltines here are too buttery. They make me nauseous.
Me: Okay, what do you want?
Shelley: Can you get me __________?
Me: What the he... You want what?!
Shelley: I want ____________.
Me (starting to feel a little queezy at this point at the idea of eating _______ right after vomiting): Are you sure?
Shelley: Yes, and fast, I'm about to vomit again and I need to eat!
Here are some common things in ____________.
1. A glass of milk.
2. Fried eggs.
3. A spoonful of peanut butter.
WHO EATS THIS STUFF RIGHT AFTER VOMITING? You know those random gross verses in the Bible? There is one where the author draws an analogy to a dog returning to its vomit. I thought that was as gross as it got. But I think he should have said something like "Like a woman with child returning to heavy food after vomit." It was grosser to me.
Here are my top 3 most beastly post-vomit meal experiences:
3. My friend Aaron O'Hare who joined me in food poisoning in India (quite literally joined me, we were sharing a bathroom. Quite literally sharing a bathroom, it was that poisonous. And that wasn't the worst thing that happened to us in India.) followed up a horror-filled night of sickness by pounding a Mexican salsa chicken burger at McDonald's the time he ate. BEAST!
2. My friend and former roommate Daniel Schneider who was frequently stomach sick while living in East Asia. He would do this amazing thing where he disappeared into the bathroom for an entire night at a time sick to his stomach over something he ate, sleep it off the next morning, emerge from his room at 3pm and say something like "Let's get shao kao, I'm starving." BEAST!
1. My wife, Shelley Klein Jung, who immediately after vomiting, in an effort to get protein, went for a cold glass of whole-fat milk, a fried egg, or a spoonful of peanut butter... several times a day for a month and a half. BEAST BEAST BEAST!!!
Seriously... all those skinny Japanese dudes and fat American dudes competing in these hot-dog, chili-fry, wing eating contests, I will put my pregnant wife up against all of them because I know she can down a hot dog, vomit, and look them in the eye while throwing back another one. Gallon challenge? Please. The woman finishes strong. Respect!
I have never seen anything like this in my life. It is seriously the most counter-intuitive thing I have ever heard of. Eat right after vomiting in hopes that it stops the next round of vomiting. We were told to eat protein early and frequently, and that helps curb the nausea. Well this piece of advice didn't work, which brings me to my next thought on morning sickness:
2. NOTHING NATURAL CAN STOP MORNING SICKNESS. Here are some suggestions we heard from doctors and moms:
1. Eat frequently- didn't work.
2. Eat protein- see above, didn't work.
3. Try ginger tea- didn't work.
4. Try ginger candy- didn't work.
5. Try ginger ale- didn't work.
6. Drink milk and not water- didn't work.
7. Try mint tea- didn't work.
8. Try mint candy- didn't work.
9. Sit up and don't lie on your back- didn't work.
10. Avoid things that can cause motion sickness like riding in a car- stupid idea anyway. didn't work.
11. Try child's anti-nausea medication (safe for pregnant women, given to us by a doctor)- didn't work.
Typically in this country, it is the natives who have terrible medical ideas. "Your skin is peeling. It must be because you showered on the 3rd of the month." "It's winter and freezing outside, so open the windows." "Be careful of the evil wind." "Your throat is swollen and red because you ate too many hard foods like french fries." "Don't mix cold and hot water. It will give you AIDS." However, in the instance of morning sickness, the only advice locals had was "it will get better in the second trimester." For once, they were the ones who were right. Almost...
3. NOTHING CAN STOP MORNING SICKNESS EXCEPT FOR ONE MIRACLE PILL-
The miracle working medicine is called Zophran, and a kind American doctor tracked it down for us. It was originally developed for chemotherapy patients, but it is safe for pregnancy, and it works. We ended up with the last 3 boxes of Zophran in all of our city. His words "It is out of date, but I'd give it to my wife." Good enough for us. We had enough for 2 weeks, but we would not be back in America where we could get more for 3 weeks. I thought that only drug addicts did this kind of thing, but we have now experienced the despair known as pharmacy shortage. We had medical students in their residencies sneaking around the hospital searching for more of this med and begging doctors on our behalf. That desperate. But to no avail. So, we rationed. First a pill every time she was nauseous, then 1 a day, then a half a day, then a half a pill every time she was nauseous until... 3 hours left into our last flight to the US she took the last half pill. It was like something out of a movie. Her mom met us outside of customs in D.C. with a bag fresh from the pharmacy. And like junkies, we breathed a huge sigh of relief. I seriously wanted to forge a prescription for the future, just in case we are in a situation where we couldn't get it again the next time she is pregnant.
Final verdict: I'm calling bs on any advice about morning sickness other than "get a prescription for Zophran."
This time the East Asians got it right. Apart from medicine (which is non-existent in their country), the only thing to do is vomit it out for a few months. A few weeks after the first trimester ended, the vomiting ended, for the most part. There were some other times:
1. We were driving one afternoon in Orlando having a normal conversation, when Shelley suddenly said "I don't feel good, my tummy hurts. Where is a plastic bag? Pull the car over." I am always flustered and shocked in these situations because they come on so fast. After losing it outside of a tennis court, she got back in the car and said "Whew. Did we pass Starbucks yet? I want a chai tea latte." I am still trying to figure out what is going on, and she is ready for spiced milk... BEAST!
2. Sitting in the doctor's office. We are waiting on the nurse to come back with the baby heartbeat listening machine and Shelley suddenly gets up and runs out. I put down my "Healthy Mom Healthy Baby" magazine (first time at an OBGYN... strong lack of decent magazines) and look up only to hear the faint, now familiar sound of Shelley's upchuck from down the hall. She comes back in, lays on the table as if nothing happened. BEAST!
3. The other day she threw up her entire breakfast. Texted me to tell me. Then 10 minutes later texted me and said "I feel better now. I took some medicine and ate, so I'll meet you for lunch at the noodle place." BEAST!
Do I worry about my wife during labor and delivery? Nope. All I'm saying is the kid better watch out. The woman finishes strong. The bad news is that now that she is over the morning-sickness, milk, eggs, and peanut butter make her nauseous because she threw them up so much. Her stomach issues make sense again. But I know that won't last for long. Soon comes the anti-morning sickness... cravings.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
We're pregnant! Husband's perspective part I- finding out we're pregnant
We have been a little busy in the last couple of months and thus our blog has been neglected, but we are back in a little bit of a swing of things, so let the blogging commence! The past few months have seen the saying goodbye to several of our friends here in Asia, a trip back to America where I tested my feet in the graduate school pool, and oh yeah, we're pregnant. This happened back in April, so at this point we are about halfway through the pregnancy. I thought that this would be a great blog theme. There are several blogs about pregnancy, books about pregnancy, movies about pregnancy, and with the exception of a terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, almost all of them are for women. This makes sense seeing as pregnancy is largely a woman's issue. However, I thought it would be a good idea, and I hope that I can stick to this plan, to track pregnancy from the impregnator's point of view. (Come to think of it "The Impregnator" sounds like a Schwarzenegger movie.) I am already behind seeing that Shelley is now 4 and a half months pregnant, so I will post several "catch up" blogs over the next couple of days to try to catch up to 4.5 months. I will start with "the announcement."
You always see wives telling their husbands that they are pregnant on movies and they either react with extreme joy or extreme surprise followed by extreme joy. I expected it to be like that. Shelley would have tears of joy and I would pick her up and swing her around. Instead, our "announcement" went something like this:
Shelley: "I took a pregnancy test and it said I might be pregnant."
Me (brushing my teeth): "Hmm."
Shelley: "Like, these lines here mean I might be pregnant."
Me: "How do you know if you are definitely pregnant?"
Shelley: "The lines are darker, but then you have to go to the doctor to find out."
Me: "Hmm."
"Maybe pregnant" was nothing new to me. Ever since we pulled the goalie I figured we might be pregnant because I knew the possibility was out there, so that announcement was kind of like the President giving the State of the Union, which I find to be one of the most interesting political traditions of all time. He literally stands up there and gives a slightly optimistic view on what everyone already knows. No one ever wakes up thinking "I wonder what America is like?" because we all know already. And yet three branches of the government gather once a year for him to make an applause-interrupted speech about something that is no surprise to anyone. Can you imagine anyone getting the attention that this guy does for telling the state of something that everyone listening already knows about? Just once I want the President to get up and say "The State of our Union... well we can't exactly call it a Union anymore because I sold West Virginia and Oregon to Micronesia yesterday for my own private island. How is that for budget control House!?!? Straight from the lower 48! PREZ MAKIN PAPER!!!" and then walk off the stage with a microphone squeek. That would be worthy of a State of the Union address. All that to say that when Shelley told me she was "maybe pregnant," it was kind of like a State of the Uterus address. Nothing I didn't already know anyway...
...Until we were walking the dog later on that morning and she told me how disappointed she was in my reaction and how stressed she was. I still did not understand what there was to be stressed about. We were not trying to not get pregnant, and therefore we might have been pregnant, so... maybe pregnant. Then she explained to me that "maybe pregnant" on a pregnancy test means that a hormone is present that would only be present if one was pregnant but not enough of the hormone to make the lines dark enough to give a green light. Ohhhhhhh... so maybe pregnant meant she was pregnant.
This was one of the most confusing things to me. A pregnancy test measures a hormone, and this hormone is only present if one is pregnant, and the test is only turned pink by this hormone... so why is there a maybe option? It seems that there are 2 options, pregnant or not pregnant. The only purposes that "maybe pregnant" can serve are the following:
I will say at this point that this means so much more to the woman than it does to the man, and women, I beg for grace here. Nothing changes in us at this point the way that it changes in you. When we picture a child, we typically picture it able to run, walk, throw a ball, and ask us for money. We don't have a picture of the 3 years and 9 months prior to that. When we picture you pregnant... well we never picture our wives pregnant, just naked. We don't know what pregnancy is like until you go through it for the first time. I don't know if any of that is right or wrong, but it is what it is. For Shelley to be pregnant was a huge deal to her, and it was a huge deal to me, but not as huge of a deal because it wasn't me who was staring down the barrel of body metamorphosis and morning sickness and different clothes and diet and labor and delivery. I now understand that better than I did at the point that the announcement was made. My tip to any other guys out there who is not trying not to get pregnant: make it a big deal because it is to her. And maybe means definitely.
You always see wives telling their husbands that they are pregnant on movies and they either react with extreme joy or extreme surprise followed by extreme joy. I expected it to be like that. Shelley would have tears of joy and I would pick her up and swing her around. Instead, our "announcement" went something like this:
Shelley: "I took a pregnancy test and it said I might be pregnant."
Me (brushing my teeth): "Hmm."
Shelley: "Like, these lines here mean I might be pregnant."
Me: "How do you know if you are definitely pregnant?"
Shelley: "The lines are darker, but then you have to go to the doctor to find out."
Me: "Hmm."
"Maybe pregnant" was nothing new to me. Ever since we pulled the goalie I figured we might be pregnant because I knew the possibility was out there, so that announcement was kind of like the President giving the State of the Union, which I find to be one of the most interesting political traditions of all time. He literally stands up there and gives a slightly optimistic view on what everyone already knows. No one ever wakes up thinking "I wonder what America is like?" because we all know already. And yet three branches of the government gather once a year for him to make an applause-interrupted speech about something that is no surprise to anyone. Can you imagine anyone getting the attention that this guy does for telling the state of something that everyone listening already knows about? Just once I want the President to get up and say "The State of our Union... well we can't exactly call it a Union anymore because I sold West Virginia and Oregon to Micronesia yesterday for my own private island. How is that for budget control House!?!? Straight from the lower 48! PREZ MAKIN PAPER!!!" and then walk off the stage with a microphone squeek. That would be worthy of a State of the Union address. All that to say that when Shelley told me she was "maybe pregnant," it was kind of like a State of the Uterus address. Nothing I didn't already know anyway...
...Until we were walking the dog later on that morning and she told me how disappointed she was in my reaction and how stressed she was. I still did not understand what there was to be stressed about. We were not trying to not get pregnant, and therefore we might have been pregnant, so... maybe pregnant. Then she explained to me that "maybe pregnant" on a pregnancy test means that a hormone is present that would only be present if one was pregnant but not enough of the hormone to make the lines dark enough to give a green light. Ohhhhhhh... so maybe pregnant meant she was pregnant.
This was one of the most confusing things to me. A pregnancy test measures a hormone, and this hormone is only present if one is pregnant, and the test is only turned pink by this hormone... so why is there a maybe option? It seems that there are 2 options, pregnant or not pregnant. The only purposes that "maybe pregnant" can serve are the following:
- Do Jedi mind tricks on a woman who is anxiously waiting to find out if she is pregnant
- Make you buy more pregnancy tests
- GET THE MAN WHO DOESN'T REACT STRONGLY ENOUGH TO "MAYBE PREGNANT" IN SERIOUS TROUBLE WITH HIS WIFE!!!
I will say at this point that this means so much more to the woman than it does to the man, and women, I beg for grace here. Nothing changes in us at this point the way that it changes in you. When we picture a child, we typically picture it able to run, walk, throw a ball, and ask us for money. We don't have a picture of the 3 years and 9 months prior to that. When we picture you pregnant... well we never picture our wives pregnant, just naked. We don't know what pregnancy is like until you go through it for the first time. I don't know if any of that is right or wrong, but it is what it is. For Shelley to be pregnant was a huge deal to her, and it was a huge deal to me, but not as huge of a deal because it wasn't me who was staring down the barrel of body metamorphosis and morning sickness and different clothes and diet and labor and delivery. I now understand that better than I did at the point that the announcement was made. My tip to any other guys out there who is not trying not to get pregnant: make it a big deal because it is to her. And maybe means definitely.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Just another day in the complex...
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| To the gallows with the gentlemen in the yellow vests! |
Still have no idea what happened. A news search for our apartment complex produced nothing. If anyone is missing money, or a bike, or found someone in a ditch, they have it figure out. From the looks of it it could be any of the following. Just another day in East Asia. Nothing to see here...
Monday, May 14, 2012
hotel jung
over the last couple weeks we have had a bunch of great friends passing through our neck of the woods which has made life SO much fun! we love visitors and we have gotten to have some great ones. some have been best friends from other cities, old neighbors from a few years ago, new friends from america we barely knew, and even an old friend with his wife we got to meet for the first time! last week one of our neighbor's harrison asked one current guest was staying and when she said with us he told us we should just name our house "hotel jung." tomorrow night we welcome our 7th guest to our apartment in the last 2 weeks. thankfully water times have worked out and our guest sheets have always been clean and ready for new tenants (though they are starting to get holes- woops). we are so thankful for all sorts of reasons that bring all sorts of friends and acquaintances to town!
my mom's chicken salad
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| of all the things my mom makes, one of jarred's and my favorites is her simply chicken salad. it's so good that my cousin scott requests it every single year that we all go to the beach. but some things are just harder to make on this side of the world. this year, however, a few things new to our world over here have made the process SO much easier and the result is us eating a lot of really good chicken salad sandwiches. 1) for the past 5 years i have only been able to find grapes with massive seeds in the middle, but this spring a store right outside our complex gate has started carrying these delicious, seedless grapes! 2) danielle sold me her nut chopper when she moved home and let me tell you, making sliced almonds out of whole ones is 100 times easier with this thing than with a knife. and 3) though not pictured because who can really pick up those things and a crock pot at the same time is that i learned the best secret of cooking chicken ever is to just throw it in a crockpot on high for 2 hours without even adding water and even if the chicken breasts are still frozen- why didn't i learn this years ago instead of trying to poach chicken. these 3 things plus splurging on some imported mayo has made our favorite spring/summer meal a weekly dinner! |
only in asia
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| saturday afternoon we headed to the old folk's home near us with some of our friends. we love getting to sit and chat with the old people and listen to their stories of how much life has changed for them over the past 70+ years. one man was 92 and it was so fun to talk to him and think about all he has lived through here in his lifetime. my grandpa is 91 this year and it made me think all day about all that he has seen and done in his lifetime on the other side of the world. but, this picture wins for being the craziest of the day- check out this old man with his homemade tobacco bong that he made out of a plastic water bottle- only in asia. |
mother's day from afar
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| we have 2 really awesome moms that we loved getting to talk to and celebrate on mother's day! it's days like sunday that we wish we weren't so far away. we couldn't ask for better moms and mother-in-laws! |
a day at the lake
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| late this morning jarred and i packed a picnic lunch and headed an hour away to a lake near us. it was the best afternoon we have had in a long time! we had 4 hours just to lay in the sand, read our books, listen to music, try to get max to swim again (fail, again) and just hang out in the sun and be together. |
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| a lake here that you can actually swim in! |
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| the paddle boats are crazy looking |
Sunday, April 22, 2012
when the boys are away the girls will play
with the guys out of town for a few days, we headed into the city saturday night for a girls night out. and what better to do than go out for indian food and then spend the night jamming at karaoke? the locals here LOVE karaoke. they are everywhere and are always packed on the weekends, so we joined in the fun. and let's be honest, our guys aren't really up for karaoke much so the timing was perfect.
lydia, me, and michelle at KFC before our ride back out to where we live
katelan, lydia, lindsey, michelle, natalie, lyndsay, & me.
lyndsay and i felt really old the whole night at 27 when at 22 katelan and lydia didn't know ace of base and we didn't know tairo. the difference 5 years makes!
lyndsay and i felt really old the whole night at 27 when at 22 katelan and lydia didn't know ace of base and we didn't know tairo. the difference 5 years makes!
in the karaoke room
lydia, me, and michelle at KFC before our ride back out to where we live
typical. on the menu they have a coffee float with coffee, ice cream and ice. i asked if they could substitute coke for the coffee. no can do. neither can i order a coke float. so i ordered a coke and ice cream and made my own.
such a fun night!
such a fun night!
Thursday, April 19, 2012
maximus & me
easter weekend was some really great downtime for both of us at home for a few days to celebrate together. and it is the last lull of a weekend for the next few months. last weekend we were both away with some friends/neighbors and it was really fun and good quality time. and then today i just dropped jarred off at the airport (and drove back out of the city by myself for the first time ever!). last night we estimated that we have spent only 12 nights apart over the more than 3 years we have been married. so his 4 nights away this weekend not only will this be the longest time we have been apart at a third of that time, but we will probably double or almost triple that number 12 over the next few months with different things on our schedules. crazy. i am so thankful that our lives coincide so much that we rarely spend nights apart! but for this weekend it is just max and me at home. i'm not sure that it will be adventure-packed, but we'll hopefully have fun!
and yes, in that picture i am hiking.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
porch dinners
6:35 pm - dinner on the porch. april and may are my absolute favorite months here. it is warm and sunny and the rainy season hasn't started yet. and that means lots of dinners on the porch. it is so wonderful!!
6:55 pm - since we still only have water a couple hours a day until may 31st, we both normally run for showers between 6 and 8 pm. and tonight after dinner water was already gone, leaving my shower to be dunking my face and hair in these buckets. i think the rainy season this year will be welcomed by all of us out here!
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
the 2 crazy things of the day
1. the restaurant we had lunch in today was playing "go d bless the usa" by dolly parton. never before have i heard "i'm proud to be an american where at least i know i'm free" in this country. kind of surreal and a little strange. but mostly awesome.
2. we knew our pup was smart, but today reached an all-knew level. this afternoon an evening we had friends over for a long time so max was shut in his room for an extended time. i moved him to our bedroom to feed him when people were still over tonight, shut the door, and came back out to the living room. 10 minutes later max came running out. strange, because i was pretty sure i had shut the door. i took him back and made sure to latch the door, but 5 minutes later we heard a loud noise and then he came bolting into the living room. here we have door handles instead of knobs like most doors in america and it turns out that max can jump up on the door and if he lands on the handle on the way down he can unlatch the door and then pry it open with his nose and paw. awesome for him. trouble for us. here's to hoping he's not smart enough to do it again or we might have to start locking him in rooms with a key!
Monday, April 9, 2012
she's almost 30
today my little sister laura turns 26! so she's not actually close to 30 but 5 years ago when our older sister turned 26 laura, then a mere 21, called her to wish her a happy birthday and remarked that she was now "almost 30." and tonight i got to repay the favor because my little sister is herself now "almost 30." :) laura, i can't believe you are 26. but then again looking at your life and all you have done i can't believe that you are only 26. i love you and am so proud of you. enjoy the next 4 months of being only 1 digit away from me :)
monday morning
mondays are our saturdays and this morning jarred headed out with our friend mark for a four-hour bike trip up in the mountains out here. he told me it probably wouldn't be my cup of tea (mountains, not my thing), but for him it is an extraordinary day off. he came back caked in mud, exhausted, and smiling. and then he helped me out by cleaning the bathrooms. what a guy!
jarred with his new-to-him mountain bike he bought from josh since his was stolen a few months ago. and then this one was 10 seconds from being stolen last week when jarred walked up on the thief who had already cut all the way through the lock just before he took off with it.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
throwback movie time
7:21 pm
last night we ended our easter day celebration watching the mighty ducks. not sure how that happened, but it was as great as i remembered.
Happy Easter!
7:48 am - my easter basket from jarred!
11:52 am - jarred and me; me, lindsey & lydia
easter lunch & table at lindsey and lydia's house
Saturday, April 7, 2012
6:57 pm
today it rained! never before have i been so thankful for overcast skies. hoping the drought here could be over soon.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Thoughts from natives
The last couple of days, I have heard some interesting things from locals here. Most of the people I know well:
- Teacher: "Did you know Lake Dian used to have dragons? And mountains used to have gods." Me: "What about now?" Teacher: "Oh no, not now. They were only there during ancient times because they only believed that in ancient times."
- (While looking at my house in Charlotte on Google satellite) "Oh now I really want to go to America. Look at the trees! In East Asia people are so many, and the trees so small! In America, the people are so few, and the trees so big!"
- Teacher: "You can use this term to refer to East Asian minorities." Me: "It's okay to say this. Like, I can say 'he is a term for minority.'" Teacher: "Yes, yes! That's exactly how you say it!" Me: "So if I said to a person from a minority group, they would not be angry?" Teacher: "Oh no, they would be furious with you." Me: "So this is a racist term." Teacher: "No, there is no racism in East Asia. Since we are all equal, we can say offensive things about other people. Like, if I was talking to an East Asian about a person from a minority group, I would say, 'that person is a term for minority now understood as an ethnic slur.' But if I was talking to that person, I would never say that." Me (not wanting to get into a debate over logic and racism): "hmmm, okay..."
- In a text message: "Jarred, today I have some great news. Our group performed a concert. Now I am so tired. Thank you."
- "Jarred, do not be nervous. When she (his wife) goes into labor, I will wait 4 hours, then I will call you. Then you can come and take us to the hospital. But whatever you do, do not be nervous."
- "Tibetans can easily murder people."
- "At first we heard 5 were kidnapped and 1 killed. Then we heard 4 were kidnapped and one found alive. Then we heard 11 were kidnapped and 5 killed. But now the police have figured it out. A person fell on the mountain and hit their head on a rock and it killed them, so no problem."
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Foreign (Dis)Advantage
Being in a foreign country has its advantages. Especially if you live in a country that knows nothing about American culture and assumes its culture to be more advanced. This is true for East Asia. Up until the 1500s, the Middle Empire was the most advanced culture in the world, and today the people tend to... how to say... hang on to the past. They assume that their culture is still the most advanced in the world, and certainly more advanced than the Wild West. This is all from a culture where it is acceptable for children to urinate and defecate anywhere outside or in, they have to do propaganda campaigns to get the people to stop wearing pajamas outside and to step up to the urinal in the men's restrooms to keep the drunk men from peeing all over the place, doctor's smoke in the x-ray room, and every company and government organization records things on tiny paper notebooks as their official records.
Because of this assumption of cultural superiority, East Asians, in their hospitable nature, often assume that white faced foreigners would lose their heads if they weren't attached to their shoulders, and they are there to help with everything. This often leads to them treating us like dumb children. For example, yesterday we boarded a plane back to the city where our friends Aaron and Stacy live. The flight attendant, always ready to help a dumb whitey, said to me: "The numbers for your seat are right here (pointing to the seat numbers printed on the aisle). They are in order and you can find your seat from the number on your ticket." She didn't explain numerical order or the matching game to any East Asian on the plane, only to the foreigners, prompting a number of sarcastic responses in my mind such as "You mean like the seat assignments A, B, and C which comes from MY alphabet!?" or "Your plane smells like urine, probably because someone urinated on a seat 2 hours ago." Knowing that her English was limited to the words "Coffee," "tea," and "turburents (turbulence)" I settled for "Ohhhh, so that's how it works!" prompting a laugh from my friend Graham and a dirty look from my wife who always has more patience for such situations than I do.
However, sometimes I play the dumb foreigner thing to my advantage. You do this in situations when you don't want to stand in line or you are trying to beat an incredibly slow system of some sort. I once got out of having my scooter impounded this way. The cop assumed that I could not read characters, and thus it was natural that I wouldn't know the parking spot was too convenient to the train station to be legal. The truth is that I didn't see the sign and there were others scooters parked there. Had I seen the sign, I could have read that it was illegal parking. However, by playing the dumb foreigner, the police did not feel it was right to impound my scooter.
This situation also happened this morning when Aaron and I were dropping our friend Graham off at the airport to fly back to the US. It was 5:50am as Graham headed through the security line and Aaron and I headed out to find a cab back to his apartment to catch some more sleep before sunrise. The cab line at the arrivals gate at this airport is atrocious and often 45 minutes long. We decided we would try to catch a cab in the departures drop off area since we were already upstairs. No East Asians ever do this, so I was assuming that it was illegal, but it was worth a try. If it is was indeed illegal, then the cab driver wouldn't pick us up. So we walked out and flagged down the first cab dropping someone off. The cab driver yelled at us to get in as fast as possible. Once we were in the cab, he was trapped in by someone dropping a passenger off and a police pointed at our car and started walking towards us. The cab driver immediately said "Noooo, he is going to give me a ticket." and then started yelling at the police officer, "FOREIGNERS, THEY ARE FOREIGNERS. I TOLD THEM THEY CAN'T GET IN THE CAB HERE. THEY ARE FOREIGNERS. LOOK AT THEM!" We both played dumb like we didn't know what was going on, even though we clearly knew that we had broken a law about catching cabs in the departure area. This country is so consistently inefficient that it would only make sense that the only place to catch a cab would be in a 45 minute line. The cab driver yelled at me "FOREIGNER YOU CANNOT GET IN THE CAB. FOREIGNER YOU CANNOT GET IN THE CAB!" It was all a show. I didn't want to get the cab driver in trouble, so I started to get out of the cab. He grabbed my leg to keep me from getting out. The policeman, seeing that the cab driver was dealing with two dumb foreigners who could never understand the intricacies of inefficient laws that oppress a billion+ people and keep a country behind in development, passed by without giving the cab driver a ticket. The cab driver drove off laughing. "I knew that you were foreigners, so I knew that you would get special treatment. I told you to get out of the car so he would think I was following the rules, but I knew you would get special treatment because you are a foreigner." We had used our backwards American culture to beat the system.
Except it came back to bite us. On the way back, I noticed that the driver was taking a while to get his cab going. He was moving at a slow 15 miles an hour when we got on the expressway. When we hit the expressway, he only sped up to 20. Then I noticed that in the dark morning, he did not have his lights on. I asked him if his lights were broken, to which he replied "No they aren't broken. I'm just not shining them." He then turned on his high beams to prove that they were not broken, but still no lights came on. The next thing we noticed is that his defoggers were not on and the windshield was fogging up horribly. Now we were doing 17mph on the airport expressway with no lights and no visibility from the front windshield. As we approached a barricade that I was scared we were going to hit, I asked Aaron "are we going to hit dog, cat, or human on the way home?" He replied "well you get a free pass if you hit an animal, so my guess is 2 out of 3." I then turned to see our cab driver start to doze off and catch himself. At this point I was legitimately scared. I asked him if he was tired, at which point he told me that he wasn't very tired at all. He has hit his maximum speed of 37 at this point and we are getting off the expressway to get on the loop road to Aaron's apartment. We slow to a 15mph crawl for the loop road. The few other cars on the road, mostly cabs, are flying around us. Every time we approached an intersection we slammed on the brakes to 5mph while he honked his horn like crazy to warn any cars of our approach and subsequently wake up everyone within a 100 yard radius. I was scared that we wouldn't be able to catch another cab at this hour, so I hesitated to have him stop and let us out early. In retrospect, that would have been the right thing to do. After about 10 minutes of this stop and go on the loop road, he confessed to us "I am a little sleepy. I get off work at 8am and I started work yesterday at 8am. I have been driving for 24 hours and I have had close to 1, but not 2 hours of rest. That is why I am driving so slow." The road to Aaron's house was in sight, which meant that we only had 20 more minutes in this dangerous cab at our snail's pace. We arrived to Aaron's house at a slow record of 45 minutes with no traffic (it should take 20-30). It was both the scariest and safest cab ride I had ever had, because had we hit anything at the lightning fast 11mph average, we probably would have bounced off with no damage. As we got out of the cab, I told the driver "you really should get some rest." and Aaron invited him in to sleep in their apartment for a little bit, lest he kill someone falling asleep behind the wheel. He turned down the offer and drove off. We went into the gate of Aaron's apartment complex, looked back, and he had only made it 30 yards down the road. We figured he would run into a tree at 5mph before too long and then fall asleep until someone woke him up. It would be better for him than taking anymore passengers. We should have stood in the cab line. We would have gotten to Aaron's apartment faster. Stupid foreigners.
Because of this assumption of cultural superiority, East Asians, in their hospitable nature, often assume that white faced foreigners would lose their heads if they weren't attached to their shoulders, and they are there to help with everything. This often leads to them treating us like dumb children. For example, yesterday we boarded a plane back to the city where our friends Aaron and Stacy live. The flight attendant, always ready to help a dumb whitey, said to me: "The numbers for your seat are right here (pointing to the seat numbers printed on the aisle). They are in order and you can find your seat from the number on your ticket." She didn't explain numerical order or the matching game to any East Asian on the plane, only to the foreigners, prompting a number of sarcastic responses in my mind such as "You mean like the seat assignments A, B, and C which comes from MY alphabet!?" or "Your plane smells like urine, probably because someone urinated on a seat 2 hours ago." Knowing that her English was limited to the words "Coffee," "tea," and "turburents (turbulence)" I settled for "Ohhhh, so that's how it works!" prompting a laugh from my friend Graham and a dirty look from my wife who always has more patience for such situations than I do.
However, sometimes I play the dumb foreigner thing to my advantage. You do this in situations when you don't want to stand in line or you are trying to beat an incredibly slow system of some sort. I once got out of having my scooter impounded this way. The cop assumed that I could not read characters, and thus it was natural that I wouldn't know the parking spot was too convenient to the train station to be legal. The truth is that I didn't see the sign and there were others scooters parked there. Had I seen the sign, I could have read that it was illegal parking. However, by playing the dumb foreigner, the police did not feel it was right to impound my scooter.
This situation also happened this morning when Aaron and I were dropping our friend Graham off at the airport to fly back to the US. It was 5:50am as Graham headed through the security line and Aaron and I headed out to find a cab back to his apartment to catch some more sleep before sunrise. The cab line at the arrivals gate at this airport is atrocious and often 45 minutes long. We decided we would try to catch a cab in the departures drop off area since we were already upstairs. No East Asians ever do this, so I was assuming that it was illegal, but it was worth a try. If it is was indeed illegal, then the cab driver wouldn't pick us up. So we walked out and flagged down the first cab dropping someone off. The cab driver yelled at us to get in as fast as possible. Once we were in the cab, he was trapped in by someone dropping a passenger off and a police pointed at our car and started walking towards us. The cab driver immediately said "Noooo, he is going to give me a ticket." and then started yelling at the police officer, "FOREIGNERS, THEY ARE FOREIGNERS. I TOLD THEM THEY CAN'T GET IN THE CAB HERE. THEY ARE FOREIGNERS. LOOK AT THEM!" We both played dumb like we didn't know what was going on, even though we clearly knew that we had broken a law about catching cabs in the departure area. This country is so consistently inefficient that it would only make sense that the only place to catch a cab would be in a 45 minute line. The cab driver yelled at me "FOREIGNER YOU CANNOT GET IN THE CAB. FOREIGNER YOU CANNOT GET IN THE CAB!" It was all a show. I didn't want to get the cab driver in trouble, so I started to get out of the cab. He grabbed my leg to keep me from getting out. The policeman, seeing that the cab driver was dealing with two dumb foreigners who could never understand the intricacies of inefficient laws that oppress a billion+ people and keep a country behind in development, passed by without giving the cab driver a ticket. The cab driver drove off laughing. "I knew that you were foreigners, so I knew that you would get special treatment. I told you to get out of the car so he would think I was following the rules, but I knew you would get special treatment because you are a foreigner." We had used our backwards American culture to beat the system.
Except it came back to bite us. On the way back, I noticed that the driver was taking a while to get his cab going. He was moving at a slow 15 miles an hour when we got on the expressway. When we hit the expressway, he only sped up to 20. Then I noticed that in the dark morning, he did not have his lights on. I asked him if his lights were broken, to which he replied "No they aren't broken. I'm just not shining them." He then turned on his high beams to prove that they were not broken, but still no lights came on. The next thing we noticed is that his defoggers were not on and the windshield was fogging up horribly. Now we were doing 17mph on the airport expressway with no lights and no visibility from the front windshield. As we approached a barricade that I was scared we were going to hit, I asked Aaron "are we going to hit dog, cat, or human on the way home?" He replied "well you get a free pass if you hit an animal, so my guess is 2 out of 3." I then turned to see our cab driver start to doze off and catch himself. At this point I was legitimately scared. I asked him if he was tired, at which point he told me that he wasn't very tired at all. He has hit his maximum speed of 37 at this point and we are getting off the expressway to get on the loop road to Aaron's apartment. We slow to a 15mph crawl for the loop road. The few other cars on the road, mostly cabs, are flying around us. Every time we approached an intersection we slammed on the brakes to 5mph while he honked his horn like crazy to warn any cars of our approach and subsequently wake up everyone within a 100 yard radius. I was scared that we wouldn't be able to catch another cab at this hour, so I hesitated to have him stop and let us out early. In retrospect, that would have been the right thing to do. After about 10 minutes of this stop and go on the loop road, he confessed to us "I am a little sleepy. I get off work at 8am and I started work yesterday at 8am. I have been driving for 24 hours and I have had close to 1, but not 2 hours of rest. That is why I am driving so slow." The road to Aaron's house was in sight, which meant that we only had 20 more minutes in this dangerous cab at our snail's pace. We arrived to Aaron's house at a slow record of 45 minutes with no traffic (it should take 20-30). It was both the scariest and safest cab ride I had ever had, because had we hit anything at the lightning fast 11mph average, we probably would have bounced off with no damage. As we got out of the cab, I told the driver "you really should get some rest." and Aaron invited him in to sleep in their apartment for a little bit, lest he kill someone falling asleep behind the wheel. He turned down the offer and drove off. We went into the gate of Aaron's apartment complex, looked back, and he had only made it 30 yards down the road. We figured he would run into a tree at 5mph before too long and then fall asleep until someone woke him up. It would be better for him than taking anymore passengers. We should have stood in the cab line. We would have gotten to Aaron's apartment faster. Stupid foreigners.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Happy New Year!
This post is a few days late due to difficulties uploading video. After 4 days of trying to upload video of New Year's fireworks I finally gave up and went with still pictures. This is a disappointment, because the pictures cannot capture the warzone that is New Year's. I am going to keep trying to upload video so you can see, but until then, enjoy the pictures.
It is the New Year here in East Asia, and this year Shelley and I were around again to catch the excitement. Because nothing is more exciting than the adrenaline rush you get from someone shooting a live firework at your car when you drive by. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
This holiday is funny to me because nobody still uses the lunar calendar. I guess people say the same thing about celebrating Jesus' birthday in December when historians calculate that he was probably born in April. Either way, the New Year here is the biggest holiday of the year, and it is celebrated more wildly in the village than in the city. Shelley and I know very little about this New Year celebration, but here is what we do know:
We're not talking about little fire crackers, we're talking about the same fireworks that you have to hire professionals to light in America. We're talking the kind of fireworks that everyone drives to see on the 4th of July in America, only lit by a 10 year old using dad's cigarette. Is this safe you ask? NO IT ISN'T SAFE!!! New year's first, safety second. I had a fireworks show outside of my window. By that I mean a flash of lightning hit us at the 14th floor where a firework had just exploded right outside of our window sending beautiful green and gold sparks bouncing off the windows. People were shooting off fireworks in the courtyard below us with buildings all around. You may be wondering, where do you get all these fireworks? The answer, anywhere and everywhere. A few days before the New Year, the fireworks dealers' hit the streets and there is enough gunpowder for sale for 10 Waterloos.
Hmmmm... the 2 year old is a little young, so maybe just Roman candles for her this year.
Technically people are supposed to begin shooting off fireworks at 12am to ward of demons and anything else evil that could run in and snatch up your wealth and happiness. Where we live, people get a head start at 6pm and let it ride a little just to be safe, ending around 6am. After this, they take a 2 hour nap, and then begin again the next day.
After the dust settled from Shock and Awe Lunar 2012, Shelley and I decided to take a stroll into town to see the New Year's celebration unfold. Here are some pictures:
The aftermath of the night before, every street and sidewalk is covered by these papers from firecrackers set off the night before.
Dragon dancers. These guys were dancing around while people threw lit firecrackers at them for 15 minutes straight. I really wish the video of this would upload. The camera hops a couple of times when I jump from being hit by a firecracker, and then you hear me start choking on all the smoke.
The town square was hopping on New Year's Day. Unlike our holiday where everyone spends the day at home with family, they go out look at whatever there is to see.
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